When we were kids, we were taught to not ask for things. It was a pretty basic rule, with very few exceptions. We could ask for something for Christmas, but for instance, we would NEVER ask a friend if we could come over to their house to play, or stay for lunch. We were to wait until we were invited. If we saw something lovely when we were out shopping, we were not to ask for it. I guess we were to wait and hope someone noticed our eyes had lit up. We would never ask to borrow something, nor would we ask to be taken somewhere.
We also did not ask difficult questions, or questions that would have eased a worry, like exactly how sick was our mother? I don’t think our family was completely unique. This was just part of the culture. Our experience of it may have been a bit more extreme than in other homes, but I don’t recall my friends asking their parents difficult questions either. We weren’t exactly in the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ times, but it was definitely preferable that we were seen more than heard, and that we answered more than asked.
Although Jim was raised in the same era, he missed the memo about not asking questions. Jim isn’t afraid to ask for anything. If he wants it, he asks. This has caused me some mortification over the years, what with my uber adherence to protocol, and his uber lack thereof. I learned to ‘get ahead’ of him sometimes and pre-warn him that asking might not be appropriate in a particular situation. However, in other situations, I found myself standing back in awe, noticing that he got much of what he wanted while I stood waiting patiently.
This week we hosted our AGM for the Building Hope Society, our organization that promotes quality education in Kenya. At the meeting I told the group I had bravely reached out to a couple of potential donors (despite my upbringing!). This reaching out always feels uncomfortable, just as describing our good work does. After all, I had also feasted on a pretty good diet of ‘don’t brag.’ However, on each recent occasion when I did reach out and ask, I was met with a very enthusiastic response. And when I mentioned our Africa project when I was away facilitating last week, even thought I did not ask for a thing, I was drawn into a lengthy discussion, with the participants wanting to know the story of how the project came to be. It has led to a possible connection between the group I was working with and the project in Kenya.
I’m learning that in asking we can sometimes get more than we expected. Sometimes we get a bit of magic.
This week held another event, an exciting day for Jim and Ben. Jim is a certified bird bander, and self-proclaimed ‘bird nerd’. He spends hours, days and weeks of the spring and early summer seasons monitoring the behaviour of the mountain blue birds, and swallows. When the babies are born, he places tiny identification bands on their little legs so that the species can be tracked regarding life-span, migration, health etc. Jim can identify almost any bird he hears by its song, and certainly if he gets a look at it, he knows what it is. This has led him to lead what have become very popular ‘Birding Workshops’. He’s also gotten to know the staff at one of the nearby schools offering Nature Based Learning and has offered (asked) if they’d like him to work with the students. He and his friend Daryl have worked with several classes to build nest boxes, to go along with the students on field trips to erect the boxes along the Bluebird Trail, and to then return to count eggs or baby birds.
A few weeks ago, Ben’s teacher asked if Jim could come in to talk with the kindergarten students about birds. There was only one answer for Jim. Of course he would! He’d love to! Jim knows that these little students go on outdoor adventures near their school to the Mystical Forest. To get there, they pass by a neighbourhood where some of the houses back on to the green space leading to the Mystical Forest. Jim, wanting to create the best experience possible for the kids, put on his asking hat. First, he and Ben concocted a tasty seed suet that they stuffed into little holes Jim bored out of foot long logs. Jim placed wires in the tops of them so they could hang and attract the birds. Jim knew of one couple who lived near the green space, and he contacted them and asked if he could bring over the hanging feeders for them to put up so that hopefully some birds would be comfortable coming to their yard before the day the kids went on their birding expedition with Jim. They were delighted to take part. They and Jim made arrangements for Jim to drop off the feeders. On the agreed upon drop off date, Jim was loaded up with the feeders and was heading out the door when I noticed he was also carrying a large bag of peanuts.
Me: What are those for?
Jim: I noticed there is a yard with a feeder that attracts blue jays near where we’ll be with Ben’s class. I’m going to stop and ask the couple who live there if they can put these peanuts out over the next week, and then we can bring the kids to their fence to see the birds when we have our day together.
Me: Do you know these people?
Jim: No. But I’m sure they’d love to help.
I’ve learned to release all control in these situations.
The truth is, more often than not, these ‘asks’ produce some magic. This one did not disappoint. Jim knocked on the door of the couple with the potential blue jays, introduced himself, told of his plan and asked for their help. The night before the big field trip with 30 or so little students, Jim’s phone rang. ‘Oh, that’s Art’, said Jim. We don’t know an Art, so I was curious. Jim and Art talked for about 20 minutes. Apparently, Art is half of the couple with the potential blue jays. Art and Carol had become fully invested in this project. They’d gone out and bought even more peanuts. They had prepared their back deck so all the little ones could sit on it and watch the birds. They were THRILLED to have been asked. And they were ready when those little ones arrived. Again, I learned about the magic of asking.
I was taught that when we ask for something we are thinking only about our own needs, and we might be putting the person being asked in an uncomfortable position. The sentiment wasn’t completely wrong, but I now know there is another possibility. When we ask, we invite others to enter our world. We invite them to share their gifts, to belong. We invite them to be part of whatever it is we are doing. We acknowledge they have something valuable to contribute. We may start out by asking for something for ourselves, but sometimes, when we have just the perfect request, we sprinkle a little magic on them too.
On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I stopped by Kaitlyn’s for a little visit. We were sitting on the front step having a chat when Andy came out and sat quietly beside me. He asked if I’d like to see his Pandas. He has three of them and he wanted to show me each of them, one at a time. When he was done, he wanted to show me his little Sitting Up Cat. This little six-inch stuffie is also black and white, just like his pandas, and he loves it. He sat beside me holding Sitting Up Cat. Then this.
Andy: Would you like to give Sitting Up Cat a hug?
Me: I would love to!
I gave little Sitting Up Cat a very warm hug and passed it back to Andy. He sat with it for a minute in silence, then quietly said to me, ‘Sometimes Sitting Up Cat loves two hugs.’
Magic. I’m so glad he asked.
My inquiry for you this week is, ‘Who’s waiting for my ask?’
Elizabeth is a certified professional Leadership Coach, and the owner of Critchley Coaching. She is the founder and president of the Canadian charity, RDL Building Hope Society. She works with corporations, non-profits and the public sector, providing leadership coaching. She creates and facilitates custom workshops for all sizes of groups and has expertise in facilitating Strategic Plans for organizations. Contact Elizabeth to learn how to create a magic making ask.
We also did not ask difficult questions, or questions that would have eased a worry, like exactly how sick was our mother? I don’t think our family was completely unique. This was just part of the culture. Our experience of it may have been a bit more extreme than in other homes, but I don’t recall my friends asking their parents difficult questions either. We weren’t exactly in the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ times, but it was definitely preferable that we were seen more than heard, and that we answered more than asked.
Although Jim was raised in the same era, he missed the memo about not asking questions. Jim isn’t afraid to ask for anything. If he wants it, he asks. This has caused me some mortification over the years, what with my uber adherence to protocol, and his uber lack thereof. I learned to ‘get ahead’ of him sometimes and pre-warn him that asking might not be appropriate in a particular situation. However, in other situations, I found myself standing back in awe, noticing that he got much of what he wanted while I stood waiting patiently.
This week we hosted our AGM for the Building Hope Society, our organization that promotes quality education in Kenya. At the meeting I told the group I had bravely reached out to a couple of potential donors (despite my upbringing!). This reaching out always feels uncomfortable, just as describing our good work does. After all, I had also feasted on a pretty good diet of ‘don’t brag.’ However, on each recent occasion when I did reach out and ask, I was met with a very enthusiastic response. And when I mentioned our Africa project when I was away facilitating last week, even thought I did not ask for a thing, I was drawn into a lengthy discussion, with the participants wanting to know the story of how the project came to be. It has led to a possible connection between the group I was working with and the project in Kenya.
I’m learning that in asking we can sometimes get more than we expected. Sometimes we get a bit of magic.
This week held another event, an exciting day for Jim and Ben. Jim is a certified bird bander, and self-proclaimed ‘bird nerd’. He spends hours, days and weeks of the spring and early summer seasons monitoring the behaviour of the mountain blue birds, and swallows. When the babies are born, he places tiny identification bands on their little legs so that the species can be tracked regarding life-span, migration, health etc. Jim can identify almost any bird he hears by its song, and certainly if he gets a look at it, he knows what it is. This has led him to lead what have become very popular ‘Birding Workshops’. He’s also gotten to know the staff at one of the nearby schools offering Nature Based Learning and has offered (asked) if they’d like him to work with the students. He and his friend Daryl have worked with several classes to build nest boxes, to go along with the students on field trips to erect the boxes along the Bluebird Trail, and to then return to count eggs or baby birds.
A few weeks ago, Ben’s teacher asked if Jim could come in to talk with the kindergarten students about birds. There was only one answer for Jim. Of course he would! He’d love to! Jim knows that these little students go on outdoor adventures near their school to the Mystical Forest. To get there, they pass by a neighbourhood where some of the houses back on to the green space leading to the Mystical Forest. Jim, wanting to create the best experience possible for the kids, put on his asking hat. First, he and Ben concocted a tasty seed suet that they stuffed into little holes Jim bored out of foot long logs. Jim placed wires in the tops of them so they could hang and attract the birds. Jim knew of one couple who lived near the green space, and he contacted them and asked if he could bring over the hanging feeders for them to put up so that hopefully some birds would be comfortable coming to their yard before the day the kids went on their birding expedition with Jim. They were delighted to take part. They and Jim made arrangements for Jim to drop off the feeders. On the agreed upon drop off date, Jim was loaded up with the feeders and was heading out the door when I noticed he was also carrying a large bag of peanuts.
Me: What are those for?
Jim: I noticed there is a yard with a feeder that attracts blue jays near where we’ll be with Ben’s class. I’m going to stop and ask the couple who live there if they can put these peanuts out over the next week, and then we can bring the kids to their fence to see the birds when we have our day together.
Me: Do you know these people?
Jim: No. But I’m sure they’d love to help.
I’ve learned to release all control in these situations.
The truth is, more often than not, these ‘asks’ produce some magic. This one did not disappoint. Jim knocked on the door of the couple with the potential blue jays, introduced himself, told of his plan and asked for their help. The night before the big field trip with 30 or so little students, Jim’s phone rang. ‘Oh, that’s Art’, said Jim. We don’t know an Art, so I was curious. Jim and Art talked for about 20 minutes. Apparently, Art is half of the couple with the potential blue jays. Art and Carol had become fully invested in this project. They’d gone out and bought even more peanuts. They had prepared their back deck so all the little ones could sit on it and watch the birds. They were THRILLED to have been asked. And they were ready when those little ones arrived. Again, I learned about the magic of asking.
I was taught that when we ask for something we are thinking only about our own needs, and we might be putting the person being asked in an uncomfortable position. The sentiment wasn’t completely wrong, but I now know there is another possibility. When we ask, we invite others to enter our world. We invite them to share their gifts, to belong. We invite them to be part of whatever it is we are doing. We acknowledge they have something valuable to contribute. We may start out by asking for something for ourselves, but sometimes, when we have just the perfect request, we sprinkle a little magic on them too.
On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I stopped by Kaitlyn’s for a little visit. We were sitting on the front step having a chat when Andy came out and sat quietly beside me. He asked if I’d like to see his Pandas. He has three of them and he wanted to show me each of them, one at a time. When he was done, he wanted to show me his little Sitting Up Cat. This little six-inch stuffie is also black and white, just like his pandas, and he loves it. He sat beside me holding Sitting Up Cat. Then this.
Andy: Would you like to give Sitting Up Cat a hug?
Me: I would love to!
I gave little Sitting Up Cat a very warm hug and passed it back to Andy. He sat with it for a minute in silence, then quietly said to me, ‘Sometimes Sitting Up Cat loves two hugs.’
Magic. I’m so glad he asked.
My inquiry for you this week is, ‘Who’s waiting for my ask?’
Elizabeth is a certified professional Leadership Coach, and the owner of Critchley Coaching. She is the founder and president of the Canadian charity, RDL Building Hope Society. She works with corporations, non-profits and the public sector, providing leadership coaching. She creates and facilitates custom workshops for all sizes of groups and has expertise in facilitating Strategic Plans for organizations. Contact Elizabeth to learn how to create a magic making ask.
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