It seems like not only the motor bikes and bicycles appear on the roads every spring, but so do the sounds of police cars, fire trucks and ambulances: the vehicles that transport our first responders.  These people are often the first to arrive to places of emergency, many times not knowing what to expect, and yet counted on to be responsive, to take charge, be calming and predictable.

Thinking about this got me thinking about how we respond to things in our own lives, and specifically whether we respond at all, or whether we simply react.  As I was doing my thinking about this blog I got a humorous image in my mind about what it could be like if the real first responders showed up and acted like ‘first reactors’ instead!  First they could freak out; second they could begin to lay blame!  In a movie, this could be funny; in real life it would be less so.

What then, is the difference between responding and reacting?  These words are sometimes interchanged, but I maintain that there is a subtle but very clear distinction between the two.  The idea of reacting brings to mind a quick, often not fully thought through reaction to some event.  We hear people say things like, ‘She did not react well to that news!’  or ‘Did you see his reaction; it was hilarious!’.  When we are reacting to life, it is as if we meet one surprise after another and how we deal with the surprises is often a surprise to others!

When we respond to things however, there is a sense of some pre-thought.  Long before we are ever in a situation, we have given thought to how we will act.

Reading this, you could quickly jump to the incorrect conclusion that we are reacting when we are surprised or startled, and responding when we have a lot of time to think.  This is not true.  In the case of the first responders, very often they are put in the most surprising or rapidly changing situations imaginable.  And yet we do not expect these people to have a spontaneous, surprising response each time.  We do expect them to have a considered, well practiced and rehearsed response.  We expect consistency.  We should know that if we call an ambulance to an event in any corner of the city, or country for that matter, we should receive a very similar response.  This similar response can be counted on whether the paramedics are responding to a traffic incident, a heart attack or a broken bone.  This consistency gives us a sense of comfort, of knowing that we are in good hands and of feeling like there is no guess work happening.

These are great ingredients of good responses in our own lives too.  Even though we cannot begin to imagine the different scenarios we will face on a daily basis (just like paramedics cannot know), we certainly can decide well in advance what kind of response we want to give.  You may wonder how this could be possible.  How could we possibly plan our response to something we don’t know will happen? The way we plan our response is to start to think ahead a bit, to think about how it is that we want people to see us.  If the truth were being spoken, this means that we need to think about how we want to ‘be’ in our life. 

Let’s look at an easy example.  If you are a parent, you know that in the space of a heartbeat, children can throw you off guard with their actions or words.  If your child (replace child with colleague, boss, employee etc. if that fits better) happens to tell you something that surprises you in a negative way, you really have two possible choices of action.  You might choose to simply react.  This very rarely allows you to give your best reply, and often the result of your reaction causes some unintended consequences.  At worst, your reaction may be so bad that your child realizes that telling you things is a very bad idea.  At best, you end up apologizing and trying to re-start what could have been an important conversation.

Your second choice in this example is to give the response you had planned.  You may never have even suspected the details of what the child reveals, but what you would have decided ahead of time was that you would always respond to your child in a thoughtful, open, non-judgmental way.  Once you have done this, and let the child’s news sink in, you can return to the conversation later to give your insights with little or no damage done.  The bonus is that the child will have learned that you are safe to approach.

We all have people in our lives who are reactors.  No matter how badly things go off the rails for them, they continue to use the one tool that they have really mastered – reacting.  They seem to have no sense of how their reactions affect others.  We also have all met people who never seem to be flustered.  They handle the most difficult circumstances with a kind of grace and calming response.  These people have taken the time to think about themselves, their lives, and who they want to be.  They understand the effect that their chosen response has on others.

This week I have posted two new videos on my website, created by my daughter-in-law, Cara about my coaching practice (www.ccsocial.ca).  In one, to describe coaching, I say, “Coaching allows people to become very conscious about how they want to spend their precious time on earth.”  This includes being conscious about how we choose to respond to others in our lives.

My inquiry for you this week is, “How am I responding?”

Please take a minute to check out my videos here!

I provide coaching, group coaching, workshop creation and facilitation.  Contact me for all your or your organization’s coaching needs. 

I have a Facebook friend, Jenn.  I call her a Facebook friend because I have not seen her in person in years.  She was once my student and although I have followed her life by hearing about her through friends and her mother, I have not seen her in person in many years.    I love being able to be a witness to her life, which looks quite exciting from the outside.  It seems that she travels quite a bit with work, and then separately from work, she travels for pleasure.  It is always so interesting to find out where she is.

This past week I had a very busy week and was on Facebook only once.  It happened that Jenn had posted that day.  Apparently, she had planned a surprise trip for her partner’s birthday.  They were going to London, England and then to Ireland.  She posted a picture of them in England and said how thrilled she was that she had been able to keep the trip a secret!  Someone must have made a comment to her about how she managed to do it and her next post said, “I’m always half-packed”!

This idea of ‘half-packed’ got me to thinking, of course.  In the case of Jenn, I believe this to be true.  She does so much travelling that I am sure that she has a system in place for minimizing the time she needs to fill her suitcase and get to the airport.  But the idea of ‘half-packed’ for Jenn would likely mean more than just the physical act of having items ready.   I suspect that this is a mind-set that Jenn has.  I am guessing that she is also ‘half-packed’ in her mind.  This means that when an opportunity presents itself for travel, her mind is already making the adjustment to being away on an adventure.  What an incredible way to be!

I was wondering what I am half-packed for?   I am not necessarily half-packed for a trip and although I am really improving on the adventure side of things, I’m not sure that I can commit to being ‘half-packed’.  I am however, ‘half-packed’ for some other things.  I am certainly ‘half-packed’ to help any of my family or friends when they need me.  I am definitely ‘half-packed’ to dance with the dance group I belong to. Whenever I get an invitation to join them at a performance, I have a very quick ‘yes’ ready and I can adjust my schedule in what feels like no time. 

I am ‘half-packed’ to entertain overnight guests at our house.  Since we have so many friends and relatives from ‘away’, I have learned how to do this with minimum stress and lots of positive anticipation.  I am always ‘half-packed’ to serve chocolate chip cookies.  I can’t remember the last time I was caught short, without the necessary ingredients.  I also know that I am ‘half-packed’ to have a sympathetic ear to those who need it and I can confidently say that I am ‘half-packed’ to work hard on any given day.

While I have been able to think of many great things for which I am ‘half-packed’, it has crossed my mind that I can sometimes also be ‘half-packed’ in a less positive way.  Sometimes I find myself being ‘half-packed’ for saying no too quickly.  My mind can be half way to saying no before I really consider the invitation.   I can be ‘half-packed’ to live too safe a life.  I can be ‘half-packed’ to think that menial little jobs should take precedent over an unexpected invitation.  It is so comfortable for me to have a routine that I often opt for what is very familiar – I am more than ‘half-packed’ for this!

Some people can be ‘half-packed’ for more even more serious things.  Some seem to always be ‘half-packed’ for a fight. It takes very little for them to find fault with others.   Others are ‘half-packed’ to fail.  They have a mindset telling them failure is likely and this may prevent them from ever even filling the second half of their suitcase – so sure are they that failure is inevitable. 

Others can be ‘half-packed’ to be critical.  No matter what idea is presented, they can find a flaw with it and they quickly share their thoughts, often with later regret.  Some are ‘half-packed’ to find excuses for why they should not change, even when the change might be positive.

We are all packed for something.  Everyone we meet is carrying around some ‘half-packed’ suitcases.  The trick is to pack only the suitcases that take you on the journeys you want to be on.  I can’t imagine Jenn ever half-packing a suitcase of small mindedness and boring.  I love that her suitcase is half full of open-mindedness, sharing and adventure!

This week, take some time to think about what you are ‘half-packed’ for; positive and negative.  There might be some suitcases that you would prefer to unpack and even put away.
  
My inquiry for you this week is, “What am I ‘half-packed’ for?” 
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I provide coaching, group coaching, workshop creation and facilitation.  Contact me for all your or your organization’s coaching needs. 

Recently I was reading a book by the Canadian comedian and actor, Mike Myers. In it he was talking about his upbringing and about the influence his father had on him and on his sense of humour.  He wrote about a trip taken by his family in the 1960’s where they were camping on government land to save money. His father was outside of the tent early one morning when the campground and surrounding area was sprayed with DDT.  His father came to the opening of the tent, coffee cup in hand, covered with the poisonous white chemical dust and said, “OK, how fast can we make this funny?”. 

This question is brilliant!  In the context of what Mike Myers was writing, he used it to demonstrate that his father had been one of the key influences in his choice to work in comedy.  When I look at it from a coaching perspective, the brilliance comes from the words ‘how fast’. 

When I was doing my certification in coaching we were taught to avoid starting questions with the word ‘how’.  It was said that ‘How’ is the killer of dreams.  This is because this word causes us to get stuck in the present and it asks our brain to come up with a complete series of foolproof steps to take to reach our goal.  Often, we find this impossible and so we end up simply abandoning our idea.  If Mr. Myers had asked “How can we make this funny?”, it is possible that this story would never have been retold.  But by asking, “How fast can we make this funny?” he taught his children that they were definitely going to find a way to make it funny – the only decision they needed to make was to decide how fast to do it.
I call this ability, agility.   Agility is the skill of dancing with what life gives us.  The first few steps of the dance may be awkward and slightly off beat, but the more we practice agility, the more we become very polished dancers.  And not surprising, as people watch us, they want to be our partners.  They want to learn how not to get bogged down when they are dealt unexpected events.

I mentioned last week that we had been in Southern Ontario for a surprise party for our son Greg.  Greg’s party came at an extremely busy time for him.  He is in the last few months of coursework before a huge comprehensive exam in his PhD program.  He had torn their kitchen apart and was in the midst of installing new cabinets, flooring etc. And yet, on Saturday evening, when he and Cara walked into the darkened restaurant where she had beautifully orchestrated the surprise, he handled it with incredible agility.  Even when he was little I can remember a time when he was so excited about going to a friend’s birthday party on a Saturday morning.  We got a phone call to say that the friend had come down with chicken pox and the party was cancelled.  Most seven-year old’s, and most people in general, while understanding that this was no one’s fault, would have spent at least a bit of time feeling sorry for themselves.  Within minutes, Greg said, ‘It’s too bad about the party but now I can work with Dad in the garage’.  I recall being simply amazed at the way he was so quickly able to turn an unexpected disappointment into a gift.  I did not have this kind of agility. 

After our unexpected two day visit with Greg after his party he said, “I am so glad you were here. I had been feeling overwhelmed and you arrived at just the right time.”  Incredible.  We had been afraid that we would be taking him away from his work; he managed to turn it into a gift.

This past week, our daughter-in-law, Cara, came to stay with us in Calgary.  She was attending a conference in the city and she tacked on a few days to be with us.  On Friday, she mentioned to me that she had brought her camera and would be happy to film a few short segments for me for my website.  Cara’s background is in journalism and now she does social media for businesses (www.ccsocial.ca).  Months ago, she and I had talked about the possibility of her doing this but we had never set a time, or even a topic.  This week she said that if I wanted to set up a ‘group coaching’ to film that she would love to film it for me.  This was on Friday and I knew that I only had 2 days to make it happen.  Normally, I would have panicked that I wouldn’t be able to get this together – after all, it was the weekend, I had not asked people to help, I did not have a topic – I’m betting that you can hear my saboteur just shouting at me here!  I decided that I would silence my saboteur and practice some agility.  I asked myself, “How fast can I make this happen?”  I sent out a few emails and within hours I had a group of people who were very happy to help me out.  I couldn’t have picked a better group if I had had two months’ notice.  The coaching session and the filming went incredibly well and we even had a great time doing it!  If I had allowed myself to become stuck in the “How can I make this happen?” instead of “How fast can I make this happen?”, I would have had a very different result.

This week, watch for opportunities to use your agility.  Notice where you are getting yourself stuck or missing out on opportunities when you are asking yourself the question ‘How?’   Not all of us will want to use the line, “How fast can we make this funny?”, but we might be able to use, “How fast can I find the gift in this?”, or “How fast can I turn this around?” or “How fast can I be kind?” or “How fast can I turn this into something I am proud of?”
My inquiry for you this week is, “How fast can I be?”  

I provide coaching, group coaching, workshop creation and facilitation.  Contact me for all of  your or your organization’s coaching needs. 

Jim and I have just returned from a few days in Ontario.  The impetus for our trip was an invitation from Cara, our daughter-in-law, who was hosting a surprise birthday party for Greg.  We were in!

We knew that we’d only get a few days with Cara and Greg because of their schedules, so we decided to take advantage of our time in Ontario to see some other family and to add to our Canada 150 adventure.  I’ve always wanted to skate on the Rideau Canal, in Ottawa, so Jim and I decided that this would be the year!

We glued a few days on to the front of our trip and thoroughly enjoyed touring Canada’s capital city with our excellent tour guide, my childhood friend, Louanne.  We loved it!  Alas, all her planning, and even her special parliamentary pass, could not convince the weather to cooperate for skating.  The unseasonably warm weather caused the canal to be closed about 12 hours before we arrived!  It did not reopen for the duration of our visit.

When our days in Ottawa ended, we headed to Niagara to visit with family there.  One morning we were out for our walk which took us past several orchards where fruit is grown in the summer.  I was struck with the way the trees were growing in the orchard; one long row of mature trees, flanked on either side by much younger, immature trees.  Having grown up in farm land this was not new to me, but for some reason seeing the trees this way reminded me of the importance of balance in life.

Fruit trees need several years to grow before they are ready to produce fruit.  Once fully mature, their fruit bearing years are limited.  If a farmer over does it and plants her whole orchard at the same time, she must wait until all the trees have matured before she enjoys the first harvest.  Then, although the harvest will be plentiful for a number of years, eventually all the trees will stop producing.  It will take years more to remove the trees, replant and wait for the next cycle.

By alternating rows of fully mature trees with new trees, the farmer has the benefit of a plentiful crop year after year.  By reigning in her enthusiasm to get the whole orchard planted at once, she strikes a balance that allows her family to be supported each year.

The land is often a great teacher and this is no exception.  In our lives when we over use any positive attribute of ours (planting the whole orchard), we can create the unintended consequence of missing out on something else that might serve us well (the little trees starting to produce when the other ones stop).

For instance, if we happen to have the quality of great organization, and if we go overboard with it (plant the whole orchard) we may not leave any room between the rows of our neat little life to fit in some unexpected and unplanned adventures.

On the other hand, if we spend all our time jumping from one adventure to another without any planning, we may find ourselves at a place in our life where we are wondering how we got there and wishing we had done a bit more planning.
With our trip to Ottawa, we had absolutely done our planning.  We knew we had two full days and one evening for sightseeing, and we knew that skating was a priority.  When our skating plan was foiled we were so lucky to be able to notice that we still had the framework for the same two days and one evening and we could fill the frame with whatever we chose.  Our tour of the parliament buildings, sitting in the gallery of the House of Commons, walking the grounds of Rideau Hall, watching children race down the chutes in Gatineau, Quebec, visiting museums, including Louanne’s mom in our adventure, all created a picture we may never have created had we been so tied up in our disappointment about the canal.

This week think of a quality you have that you have really polished to a shine (enthusiasm, responsibility, creativity, integrity, self-control, spontaneity, organization …). Now think of an opposing quality that you do not drag out of the closet nearly enough. 

Your inquiry this week is, “What am I missing out on when I chose to only exercise this quality?”  Give yourself permission to put 5% more of the underused quality in your life.

PS.  The surprise party was FANTASTIC!  A complete win!  No skate on any canal would have trumped it!
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I provide coaching, group coaching, workshop creation and facilitation.  Contact me for all of your or your organization’s coaching needs.