Jim and I have been spending this week seeing some more of the amazing parts of Canada that we haven’t yet visited this year.  By the end of this week, we will have been ‘From Bonavista to Vancouver Island’ as the song goes.  No Arctic Circle yet, but the year isn’t over….

As we’ve driven, and flown across this amazing country, I’ve been reminded of how lucky we are to live in a place where we have some of the most beautiful and abundant spaces.  We have seen Redwood forests, vast prairie lands, lakes, rocks and oceans.  In a time when we are watching millions of people driven from their homes because of weather or unrest, it’s hard not to appreciate the sheer amount of beautiful safe space that we get to enjoy in this country of Canada.
This word ‘space’ is used differently today than it was in years past.  Previously when we talked about space, we were speaking about outer space, or if we were talking about earthly things, it was often a reference to the size of an area.  Now, we hear comments like, ‘They’ve created a beautiful space’.  Or a decorator might say, ‘I have a great idea for this space’.  Or a person may say, ‘I loved sharing this space with you today.’

This week as we’ve been witness to lots of spaces, I have been thinking about this word in terms of how each of us occupies space and how each of us uses the space we have access to in our lives. I’m working on a theory about space (just in my mind).  In my theory, each of us has a chance to use the space we have been given to it’s maximum.  We can choose wisely, and fill our spaces with our gifts, our thoughts, our ideas, our kindnesses, our braveness; our best selves.  Alternatively, we can choose to only use a portion of the space we access, or we can fill our space with things that detract from the overall good of the world.  I have a feeling that while I have tried not to be a detractor, I have not always used the full amount of space that was available to me.

Last week I was taking a class and one of the newer participants was speaking out quite freely as the instructor was teaching.  She would interject little comments while the instructor was guiding us.  The instructor masterfully wove her way near this person and reminded her that her job was to listen and do (not necessarily to comment). Everyone’s dignity was kept in tact and I’m guessing that many people did not even notice the interaction.  In this case, the participant was taking up more space than was her ‘fair share’. This instructor was at least offering the possibility that everyone should have equal access to the information.  Had the instructor not intervened, the other participants would have left the course feeling less good about their involvement; even if they could not pinpoint why.  The reason they would not have felt as good as they normally would is because they were not able to fully occupy their share of the space in this learning environment.  The space was being absorbed by someone else who felt the need to fill it, or perhaps has just gotten in the habit of filling it.

Some people take up a lot of space.  This has nothing to do with physical size.  It has to do with the amount of energy they either put into or pull out of an area.  They may do this unwittingly or very purposely.  If they are afraid of, or threatened by, innovative ideas, or perhaps by feelings, then by filling the space themselves they never have to deal with this discomfort. 

There are other people who also do not take up their fair share of space. In this case however, these people take up less space than is available to them.  These people have clever ideas and good opinions; they can be thoughtful and have valuable insights.  They often, however, choose to keep their thoughts to themselves.  While this is not a bad quality on its own, in a group setting, including a family setting, this creates a situation where other people end up having more power, simply because they choose to fill the space with their own thoughts. 

Every time people are together, space is created.   The space will be filled.  If only one or two people share ideas in this environment, the space will be completely filled with their thoughts.  There will be no room for other thoughts.  The tendency is for the thinking in this space to be narrow, and there will be less creativity.  If, however, each person shares their thoughts, while not everyone’s thoughts will be acted upon, the simple sharing of the thoughts will give the group a better chance of seeing many possibilities.

In my theory about space, we each have certain things to share with our world that are unique.  In my theory, it would be a terrible shame to come to the end of our lives and to die without at least exposing our thoughts and gifts to the world.  I have sometimes, not proudly, kept thoughts to myself that I feel I should have shared.  I have stood by when inappropriate comments have been made and I have not voiced an alternate thought. I was very willing to allow others to fill the space with their thoughts; by doing so I gave silent consent that what they said spoke for me.

In other cases, I have wished I would have joined in with activities, when instead I chose the safety of the sideline.  I purposely pretended that I was ok not to be the principal actor in the play about my life.   I played it safe, instead of being bold. 

As we drove through British Columbia, we couldn’t help but see the after effects of a summer of fires. In these places where fire has torn through forests, spaces have been left.  These spaces will be filled by nature.  For a while, small plants and grasses will grow and these will fully occupy the spaces left by the fires.  Eventually, the forest will find her voice again, and the space will be filled with the beauty of trees and shrubs, providing homes for countless other life forms.  The grasses and small plants will also have a place; they will simply not have the only voice.

In my life, I am trying to fill fully the space I live in.  I am noticing my values and becoming more conscious about aligning my life to them.  I am recognizing the preciousness of time and working hard to use it well.  I am using my actions as part of my voice, but I am learning also to make sure that I bravely use my voice. 

My inquiry for you this week is, ‘How fully am I occupying my space?’
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Book a coaching session with Elizabeth to help learn how to learn to live your life fully, leaving no spaces unexplored.  Elizabeth provides coaching for individuals and for groups.  She also facilitates custom workshops for teams, groups and businesses.

I may or may not have made a big mistake.  I’ve learned in my life that when I state something out loud, it often means that I have just committed to make it happen.  This has happened in huge and in very small things in my life.

For example, early in August, I wrote about our friend, Terry.  Terry was coming to the end of his chemotherapy treatments at the same time that we were going to be in Ontario for a wedding. So that meant that we would have a chance to have a visit with Terry and Jane.  In the blog, I wrote that we were going to take Terry out to celebrate by going for ice cream. 

We had a small window of time for this visit; Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday evenings of the week we were there.  We decided we would go to their house on Monday for dinner and then continue to the famous Avondale Dairy for our ice cream celebration.  All went according to plan until about thirty minutes after we arrived at Jane and Terry’s home.  Terry had a sudden, unexpected, severe, delayed reaction to his chemotherapy, which he had completed ten days prior.  Suffice it to say that instead of a trip to Avondale, the evening ended with a trip to the hospital followed by a very low-key Tuesday.  As Terry said, he was wrung out.

Other than feeling horrible for Terry, I didn’t give the matter of the ice cream another thought. I assumed that we would do this on another trip. I was mainly concerned that Terry felt ok.  But…. Terry had read the blog and he really wanted to make sure that this celebration could happen.  He asked if Wednesday could still work if he felt better. He did, it did and we decided to go for it.  So Wednesday evening we found ourselves sitting outside on a lovely summer evening, at Avondale Dairy, ‘toasting’ Terry’s health.  Even more special was the fact that Terry and Jane’s two grown sons were free to join us on that Wednesday evening.

This is such a small example, but a perfect reminder to me that when I state a goal ‘out loud’, it has a way of taking on a life of its own.  Other people seem to notice ways to help make it happen.  And even when obstacles arise and make the likelihood of achieving the goal seem impossible, somehow success still finds a way to manifest.  In the case of Terry and the ice cream, the evening seemed much more special because we came close to not having it.

I have experienced this same phenomenon in my life whenever I have spoken out loud.  This has happened throughout 2017 as I have delighted in celebrating as much of Canada 150 as possible.  When I originally wrote about this last year, many people interpreted my goal as me wanting to see or do 150 Canadian places/things.  This really was not my original intention.  Originally, I simply wanted to see and participate in as much of Canada as possible.  However, as people continued to ask if I’d managed to do my 150 things, I began to recognize that I must be quite close!  And I’m thinking that this month’s trip to the West Coast will tip the balance.

Once again, my stating the goal, allowed other people to get interested and invested.  Once they were invested they wanted me to have success.  That in turn kept me invested and accountable and perhaps even inspired me to ‘go bigger’ with my goal.

So, what ‘big mistake’ did I allude to at the beginning of this blog?  It seems that a few weeks ago, I wrote about needing to rest my knee and about choosing to take the opportunity to do some other things.  I wrote, ‘And if you happen to drive by our house you may hear me singing and strumming a few new tunes I am learning on my ukulele!

It turns out that my dance instructor, Reba J, read that blog.  She often sets up dance performances for us at various Seniors Centres.  After reading the blog, she excitedly asked me, ‘I didn’t know you played the ukulele!  Would you consider playing a few songs when we do our performances in September?

Hmm…  I know how to say NO.  And I don’t have trouble saying it.  I also know that I have long wanted to become a proficient ukulele player. I also know I love to sing and that I currently don’t have time to commit to a choir.  But the truth is that at the time she asked, I could not play the ukulele.  Oh, I knew a few chords and I could stumble through a few jingles but playing publicly was a long way off.  Committing to play publicly would definitely put a priority on this goal.  And so of course, to continue to step into my season of opportunity, I agreed and this week I am going to play my ukulele and sing at our Friday performance.  In public.  I am terrified.  I am choosing to welcome this opportunity despite my terror.

Update on Friday’s Performance

I practiced and practiced.  I thought that the seniors would enjoy ‘You are My Sunshine’ and perhaps ‘This Land is Your Land’.  Whether they did or not really wouldn’t have mattered; these were the only two numbers I practiced.  Usually there are about 20 – 50 audience members at any of our performances.  Today there were well over one hundred.  About half way through the dance performance, I was introduced. I asked the other dancers to help me sing and I asked the seniors in the audience to join in. I chose ‘You are My Sunshine’.  I started to play.  I had decided that I needed to be ‘all in’ and so I pasted a smile on my face and confidently started singing.  Immediately, all of the dancers joined in and then the seniors added their voices.  I have no idea if I played well; the ukulele could not be heard over top of the voices.  I know I did not play perfectly.  And yet, the result was perfect. The emotion in the room was overwhelming.  Something about this simple song, that I learned as a child, brought forth feelings in everyone. It felt like magic.  After the dancing was over, one older man spoke to me.  He told me how much he appreciated the performance and especially the song.  He is not a resident but his wife is.  She has dementia and he was visiting her today.  He said that as we were singing she was moving to the music and trying to sing along.  He had tears in his eyes.  I am glad I said yes when Reba J asked me to be brave.
What goal are you longing to tackle but have been too shy, or afraid to claim?

My inquiry for you this week is, ‘How well am I living ‘out loud’?

Book a coaching session with Elizabeth to help learn how to step fully into your goals.  Elizabeth provides coaching for individuals and for groups.  She also facilitates custom workshops for teams, groups and businesses.

I’ve just returned from a business trip to Ontario.  I was facilitating a workshop for the staff of the incredible Women’s Rural Resource Centre (WRRC).

I left Calgary on Sunday, a beautiful mid-twenties degree day.  I returned four days later to a chilly eight degrees!  It’s that time of year.  It’s not summer, but it’s not yet winter.  In Ontario, where the four seasons tend to be more distinct than in Alberta (where Autumn may only last for a couple of weeks!) the residents also seemed to be in an in-between season.  Not summer, but not yet fall.  Too cold to swim in beautiful Lake Huron, where our retreat was located, but no sign of leaves changing on the mighty oaks at the resort.

Life can be like that too.  We find ourselves in the in-between seasons of our lives. 

Likely the first time any of us can remember being in this in-between stage was when we were approaching our teen years.  It was an awkward time.  We weren’t still children, even though sometimes we could be found playing children’s games, and we didn’t quite fit in with the teenagers; we were overlooked, excluded and perhaps even invisible-seeming to this crowd.

Moving in-between school and ‘adulting’ could be thought of in a similar way.  It takes a while for us to get both feet planted in the adult world.  For a while we want to straddle both.   Leaving the comfort of the school cocoon is not easy and we haven’t yet received the rule book on adulting.  In both cases, there is some comfort in us recognizing that we are not the only ones experiencing our discomfort; our un-knowing.  Entire classes of students move from elementary school into junior high and high school and from college into the adult world.  Society recognizes that these are places where people can get lost and structures are in place to maximize our ease of transition. 

There are however, other times in life when we find ourselves in the in-between.  Many times we feel completely alone as we try to figure out how to even take a first step into a land that we never asked to, or perhaps never expected to enter. 
For instance, parents can feel completely adrift when their young children head into school for the first time.  Even more challenging are the years when our older offspring leave the nest and head off for their first adventure; either to university, to a new job, to travel or to live in a new part of the world.  Many people in Calgary found themselves in the in-between in the past few years when oil prices dropped and workers lost jobs by the tens of thousands.

In the Southern United States, I’m guessing that Hurricanes Harvey and Irma cave created a huge unwelcome in-between space for the residences of the affected states in the same way the forest fires have in British Columbia and Alberta.  The residents in the affected areas aren’t in their old familiar space, but they don’t yet know how to navigate their new space.
In the later years of lives I imagine there is a very difficult in-between when people recognize that they can’t quite manage living completely independently but they are not quite ready to relinquish the independence they treasure for assisted living.

So often when we find ourselves in-between, we experience feelings both of loss and of being lost.  The tools that felt so comfortable to us in our previous stage of life, feel awkward and out of date.  At times like this, if asked, we would likely reply that we honestly do not have a clue what to do.

As I worked this past week with the team from WRRC, I gained an appreciation and an increased understanding of not only the incredibly important work that this staff does but also of the challenging state of in-between that their clients find themselves in the midst of.  These women arrive at this shelter facing a new chapter of their lives, knowing that not only do they not have the physical necessaries to live but believing that they do not even have the tools to turn the first page.

In truth, each of us has much more capacity to navigate the in-between than we may recognize.  Even if we give ourselves permission to know 5% of how we could move forward, and then take that first step, possibilities will appear for us that we could never have imagined.  This might be a simple a step as an empty nest mother calling an old friend for coffee, or an out-o- work oil worker volunteering one afternoon each week somewhere that has meaning for her.

I saw a monarch butterfly in Ontario on this trip.  I imagine that while it was in its cocoon it had no idea how to fly.  If it could have thought about it, I’m sure it would have been terrified.  I’m picturing that 5% at a time it emerged from the cocoon and developed into a more beautiful insect than it could have ever imagined.

So too is it with us.  The in-between is simply a chance for us to rest, perhaps to cocoon for a short while before acknowledging that we do know at least 5% of what we could possible do next on our journey to becoming our next best self.

What in-between are you facing these days?

My inquiry for you this week is, “What 5% step can I take?”

Book a coaching session with Elizabeth to help learn how to take some 5% steps.  Elizabeth provides coaching for individuals and for groups.  She also facilitates custom workshops for teams, groups and businesses.
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Well, that was embarrassing!  This summer Jim and I have been taking advantage of the incredible weather by doing some new, and some old but rusty, things.  I tried paddle boarding for the first time and loved it!  We have also been adding swimming to our outdoor activities.  The first time we went, I was having trouble staying on course, because I did not have my contacts in.  Not to mention I was also having trouble with my endurance.  So, I thought I would try wearing contacts with some goggles.  I had a pair at home and I took them on our next trip to the lake. It turned out that they were too big and water was getting in my eyes.  Jim offered that we switch goggles and that I try his for our third trip.

I was delighted that his goggles seemed to give me a great seal when I tried them on and mine seemed to fit Jim so we struck off for the lake on the weekend.  My endurance had improved since our first attempt and we decided to swim the entire buoy line; twice.  I learned to slow down a bit and this helped with my breathing.  All in all, I felt like the swim was a significant improvement.  Afterward, I removed the goggles, dried off, sat on the shore for a few minutes feeling pretty good about my effort.  I was smiling at the other swimmers and at the children playing in the water.  Leaving the park and on the way home I greeted the people I saw with a big smile. I was full of confidence after my successful swim.

Much to my horror, when we got home and I looked in the mirror, I saw that my goggles had done such a good job of sealing that they had made what looked like a permanent dent in the skin below my eyes; sort of like a sock makes when the elastic is a bit tight on the leg.  To make matters worse, not only was there an indentation, there was also some brown bruising, caused by the extremely good seal!  Apparently, I had inadvertently put the goggles near the tops of my cheeks and then stretched the skin up as I covered my eyes.  This had the effect of not only giving the best possible seal but also of making me look like I’d been on the losing side of a bad fight.  Once I got over the horror of how I looked, and the worry of whether this would last until this weekend when I have a speech to give at a wedding followed by a workshop to facilitate in Ontario, I started laughing about what people must have thought when this soaking wet, delighted-with-herself woman, was beaming at them with her face looking like a four-year-old had put eye makeup on her with a marker!

And of course, it got me thinking about how this happens in other areas of life too.  This is, in coaching, what we call a blind spot.  A blind spot by definition, is an area where a person’s view is obstructed.  In this case, I had no idea what I looked like.  I couldn’t see myself.  I couldn’t figure out why people were looking at me with that kind, but confused, look.
Each of us has many blind spots in our lives.  Blind spots might occur when we don’t recognize that a behaviour of ours is what is causing us problems.  We may think that we are behaving in a way that is acceptable or that is best for a situation, when in fact our behaviour may simply be something that we are used to but that is not working at all.  Other people can clearly see what is not working, but we, who are in the midst of it, cannot.

I was visiting with our friend Deista at a recent wedding.  Deista was our first nanny; she lived with us for two years when Kaitlyn was born.  Deista was telling me about a few blind spots that she had discovered she had when she lived with us.  She said that she could not figure out why I would be looking forward to jim arriving home after work.  She could see that I was happy to see him and that Kaitlyn was delighted to have her dad home.  Deista said that she realized that growing up in her house, the times when her Dad was coming home were always tense.  Her Dad was an alcoholic and they never knew how he would be when he arrived.  It took her by complete surprise that there was an alternate way of feeling when a father arrived home.  She gave me a second example of recognizing one of her blind spots.  She explained that when she went to university and a doorbell rang at her house that she shared with roommates, it didn’t seem  to be frightening for them.  She noticed that when she heard the bell, she became startled and then silent, but the rest of them just continued on normally and answered the door.  Again, her early training was that the doorbell might signify creditors, so she had been taught to be silent when the bell rang.  (To read an earlier blog about Deista check out ‘Who Cares’, from 2016)

Deista is now at a place in her life, where she is years away from her upbringing, and she wisely told me, ‘I’m glad that I’ve been able to recognize these two things, but I always wonder what things I do, that I don’t even realize aren’t needed anymore’ These are her blind spots.  The good news for Deista is that she is on the lookout for hers; many people do not even know they have blind spots.

There is another way that blind spots can appear for us.  Blind spots do not only keep us from seeing weaknesses in ourselves; we may be blind to some of our good qualities and skills too.  For instance, if you happen to be a photography enthusiast and people see your photos, you may get asked to take some pictures for a special event.  Often, a first response is, ‘Oh, I couldn’t. I just do this for a hobby.’  The story you are telling yourself is the same story you may have been telling yourself for years, ‘I’m still learning.  I’m not ready to declare myself a photographer yet’.  This may be a blind spot.  In this case, others see you as a gifted photographer.  You, however, are blind to how much your skill has improved and to how you are now seen by others.

One way to help us recognize our blind spots is to do what Deista did.  She was an observer of her environment and she looked for feedback to see how her response compared to that of others.  When she recognized that it was her who was thinking differently, she dared to question her own long held belief.  Similarly, with the fictional example of the photographer, noticing that the way you see yourself is very different from how others see you, may allow you to dare to think that you are ready to step into a new role.

For me this week, the mirror was what revealed my ‘blind spot’.  Once I could see how others were seeing me, I was able to adjust.  Concealer worked for me, but it isn’t what I recommend for most blind spots!
As you head into this week, see if you can uncover a blind spot you might have.  To begin, try to notice a place where you have a skill that you haven’t yet allowed yourself to own, but that others clearly see.  Then try to change your language around how you talk about this to yourself and to others.

My inquiry for you this week is, “What blind spot may I have here?”

Book a coaching session with Elizabeth to help uncover some of your blind spots.  Elizabeth provides coaching for individuals and for groups.  She also facilitates custom workshops for teams, groups and businesses.
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With Labour Day comes the end of summer, if not on the calendar, then at least in our minds.  It seems like once the kids and teachers head back to school we are in a new season.  I was thinking about the idea of seasons this week as Staples was playing the ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ commercial, juxtaposing two different ‘seasons’; back to school and Christmas. 

Seasons are a simple way for us to compartmentalize things.  We have the four main calendar seasons, which in Canada, are very distinct from each other.  There often seems to be an excitement in the air as each new season approaches.  It is as if a restart has been granted to us.  We begin to look for signs that the new season really is coming.  We set some new goals, look forward to some old traditions and we even change our wardrobe.  Our outward appearance starts to match the inner changes we feel.  We notice the tiniest bits of evidence to support our belief that a change is on the way.

What I find interesting about these seasons is that although each of us has our favourite and least favourite season, we all seem to be able to find something good and something less favourable to say about every season.  I wonder if this is because we can count on each season to eventually come to an end.  We know that we are not stuck with it forever!

In our everyday lives, we also have ‘seasons’.  These do not follow the days of the calendar.  Unlike Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter who seem at least to coordinate themselves for all the residents of each region of the country, our life seasons are very individual.  Neighbours living side by side can be experiencing two completely different seasons.  One could be in the season of new life, celebrating the birth of a child, while the other could be in the season of the empty nest.

There are many ways that I use seasons in Coaching.  One way is for me to have a client tell me what season is upcoming for them in their life.  This gives them power to choose what they wish to create for themselves.   It does not mean that life will not take its usual twists and turns.  Nor does it mean that every single day of their ‘season’ will be filled with what they are looking for.  Neither do the seasons that nature provides.  Many a golfer has been disappointed because Mother Nature was late in bringing warm weather and open courses.  However, these devoted links-people are still able to find ways to put as much golf as possible into the days they have.  Knowing that they are in golf season gives them a sense of who they are ‘being’.   It gives them a choice about what attitude they choose to bring with them. 

Sometimes I ask clients to look back on a season and have them name it.  For me, I could have called the last six or seven weeks the season of permission.  I gave myself permission to be less structured and to try some new things.  I started swimming in our local lake, we biked on the pathways and stopped for brunch, and this week I tried paddle boarding for the very first time.  I LOVED it.  Some things of course I kept the same.  Chocolate peanut-butter ice cream is not going anywhere – it’s not silly season.

An important thing to do when naming a season after the fact is to make sure that you find the gift that the season offered you.  There is always a gift.

One of my clients uses the idea of seasons to talk about the permanence or fleetingness of things in her life.  She has started a new job and she told me, ‘I have the feeling that this job is just meant to be a season.’  How much easier it makes it for her to accept a less than perfect work situation when she understands that this job is not her forever job. 

Originally, I was going to name my upcoming season, my season of Bravery.  As I have reflected on it, I notice that this feels like it is a ‘should’.  I feel like I should be brave and that I should model bravery.  When a name has a heaviness to it or a feeling obligation associated with it, it might not be the right name –  or at least not the right name for this particular season.  So, I’m choosing to name my season, the season of opportunity.  Right now, that just sounds so much easier.  I know I have several great opportunities coming my way and I want to approach them with the feeling of optimism, of gratitude and of ease.

As we notice the changes in our environment that are signalling a change in nature’s seasons, take some time to chose what season you want to create for yourself.

My inquiry for you this week is, ‘What is this season offering me?’  Once you have your answer, your season will be named!
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Workplaces and individuals go through seasons.  Book a coaching session with Elizabeth to make sure you have the tools to create the seasons you enjoy the most!  Elizabeth provides professional and personal leadership coaching. She facilitates custom workshops for teams, groups and businesses.