​In the past few years, the idea of Black Friday has really taken hold in Canada.   Try as we might (or might not) there doesn’t seem to be any way to avoid the craziness.  Flyers are delivered daily; advertisements are on the radio and TV, all advertising sales 25%-75% off – or more!

Often when a store wants to attract consumers they will advertise a loss leader- that is a product that they are willing to sell for less than what it is worth.  The idea is that this product brings people into the store, and once there, they will not only purchase the ‘loss leader’ item, but they will spend lots of additional money as well.  It’s a proven ploy.
 
I’ve been thinking about loss leaders as they apply to human interactions as well.  Have you even been drawn into a relationship (personal or professional) that looked, on first glance, to be an incredibly alluring and potential-filled opportunity, but once you took a few steps into it, the price of interaction rose dramatically?  Sometimes before you know it, you’ve invested far more than you wanted, you have ‘bags of stuff’ (baggage) that you don’t need or want and you realize you’ll be paying off your purchases for a long time to come.
 
Alternatively, it might be that you are the one offering the loss leader.  In an effort to make a good impression, draw someone to you or impress someone, you might offer to do or contribute more (in either time or money) than you plan on sustaining over time.  In either case, the relationship is founded on a false premise.
 
When I was growing up we lived on a farm where we grew vegetables that we took to the market.  Wednesday, Friday and Saturday were market days and on those days we packed up the farm truck and headed to the market to sell the produce we had grown.  Dad always had some advice for us before we left and I recall him telling us that if we got to the market and noticed that corn was being sold for $.75 per dozen, then we should NOT reduce our price and sell it for, say $.60.  Dad explained that even though the sign might attract people at first, his theory was that they would not buy because they would think that our product was inferior.  After all, if we did not value our corn, why should they?
Hmmm. 
 
There is a theory that the most long term relationships are formed when interactions of equal value are made.  People like to get what they are paying for, and they do not like to think that they cannot afford ‘the best produce’.
 
As this season of giving barrels toward us, may we each strive to participate in human interactions that are based on respect and equality.  We not have to diminish our own worth nor do we have to overinflate our worth.  When people look to see what we are offering, they appreciate seeing the truth.  Hopefully the bargains you find this season will all be at the mall but the gifts you find will be with the people you love.  Happy shopping!

​I heard a wonderful new song this week called, “Wasn’t Expecting That” by Jamie Lawson.  It’s gentle, pop, folksy and it tells a story of a love, from the moment of meeting until the end.  The song brought tears to my eyes.  As I listened I thought about how many times in life I have said, “I wasn’t expecting that.”
 
 I’ve said it when I’ve been anticipating something and been disappointed because it doesn’t turn out the way I envisioned.
 
But I’ve also said it, many more times, about something that turned out so much better than anything I could have possibly dreamed up.
 
The project I’m involved with in Kenya, Africa, building schools, started 5 years ago.  It was the first time I consciously allowed myself to embrace a journey without fear, knowing that I didn’t know what any of the next steps should be.  It has turned into something that I could NEVER have imagined.  This week our new children’s book, written for the project, is even being sent to the publisher.  I sure wasn’t expecting that!
 
The past 2 months I have been working with a group of women from the Tsuu T’ina Nation, a First Nations community on the edge of Calgary.  The broad goal of the program I have created is to help them gain confidence.  I prepared, I planned, I worried, I typed, I created, I revised ...  Finally, I remembered that I didn’t need to know every step and I didn’t need to know how it would turn out.  I just needed to trust that each of us is simply a person, trying to do our best, hoping that we are enough.  And with that I have met and worked with these incredible women who are overcoming life challenges that I have never dealt with.  I am not an expert in their lives, but I am connected to them in the most incredible way.  I accept them exactly as they are, and in turn, they do the same for me.  I teach them about listening to the sage inside of us and they teach me about using smoke from the sage plant to smudge – to clean their eyes so they can see clearly, to clean their ears so they can listen, to clean their mouths so they can speak with wisdom.
 
I’m not sorry I did the detailed planning but I really just needed to show up and be fully present as myself and trust that when a group of good people gather without their masks and with a common goal, magic happens.  Together we are all gaining confidence.  Wasn’t expecting that.
 
I hope that you’ll have a week filled with good things about which you can say, “Wasn’t expecting that”!
 
If you want to hear the song, ‘Wasn’t Expecting That’ go to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhB5RaYrMDI

This wasn’t the post I was expecting to write this week but I’m learning to ‘go with it’!  Jim and I, our daughter, Kaitlyn, and her fiancé, Matt just went on an incredible one day adventure yesterday.  We flew from Calgary to Churchill, Manitoba for a one day, once in a lifetime, Polar Bear Safari! (Ok, maybe twice for me as I’d love to go again)

As usual, there is wisdom in everything and here is a tidbit from what I learned yesterday.  As we made the short bus ride from the charter plane to the place where we boarded the tundra buggy along the beautiful coast of Hudson Bay, the bus driver, Paul, was telling us a bit about living in Churchill and about the bears.  He pointed out a building that he told us was the Bear Jail.

Here is the story.  In the 1970’s and early ‘80’s if a bear wondered into town, it was shot.  Everyone had a gun.  Bears were seen as a nuisance, and they absolutely were a threat.  At that time, people simply didn’t understand that much about the bears and certainly did not take into account the implications of shooting them.  Many were killed each year. 

Flash forward almost 40 years.  Now, bears are almost never killed in Churchill if there is an alternative.  One such alternative is the Bear Jail.  When a bear presents itself as a problem now, the bear is captured and placed in the Bear Jail until it can be sedated and then airlifted away from town.  Sometimes the bear has to be in the jail for many days until resources are available for air lift.  While we were there, there were 18 bears in the jail.

Paul told us that the first years they did this they fed the bears that were in jail.  They later realized that once they were released, these fed bears returned to town and became problems year after year because they realized that the jail was a good and easy place to get food.  Keep in mind that at this time of year, the bears are waiting to go out on the ice to hunt seals.  They have not eaten since spring time and they are hungry.  Paul said that in jail now, the bears are given ice and water, but no food.  He reminded us that even though this might seem cruel, a hungry bear is much better than a dead bear.  And he reminded us that bears in the wild go months without food at this time of the year.  He knows that people might criticize this practice but that it is best for the bears.

I thought about the times in our lives when we have to deal with a person with a bad behaviour that our reaction is to do something that makes US feel better.  We justify that this is kind (feed the jailed bear). For instance, if we deal with a person who gets upset when things don’t go their way, we tend to avoid having that happen.   We often do this so that we don’t have to watch them, or deal with them, being upset.  We might give them what they want even when we know it is not the best solution but it makes us feel like we are being kind.  We might begin to foresee what could upset them and start planning to avoid having it happen at all. They never have to change their behavior (being bad bears) because in the end they get what they want by doing it.  When we do these things, we are simply reinforcing the very behaviour that we do not want or like.  We stop their bad behaviour for the moment, but soon they are back, doing the exact same thing, knowing how we will respond.   And we ‘feed’ them again.

Our bus had flat tire on the way back to the airport in the dark and Paul had to call for a new bus.  We were transferred onto it very carefully, as Paul’s wife had radioed the bus and warned him that there was a huge polar bear at Paul’s house, which was near to where we were.  Paul removed the rather large gun that he carries on his bus and brought it with us.  The new bus driver dropped Paul off at the end of his driveway and we watched him trudge up the driveway with his gun, in the dark, making plenty of noise to warn the bear.   He said that he wasn’t afraid, that this was just life and he was very glad that he and the rest of the resident’s of Churchill, were learning to live in relationship with the bears.  The bears did not have to be shot, nor did they always have to get what they wanted.  They have learned to co-exist. 

I’m going to offer that we stop feeding the bears in our lives.  If you notice yourself responding to a colleague or friend in a way that does not stop a behaviour that is not wanted, but simply reinforces it, try responding in a new way (take away their proverbial food).  It will be uncomfortable at first.  In fact, their behaviour might escalate for a bit as they test you to make sure that you are really serious about not ‘feeding’ them anymore.  But, gradually, they’ll figure out that they need to change their behaviour, or go find someone else who is willing to feed them.
​
Thanks Churchill, Manitoba.  I had the most amazing day in your backyard yesterday.  I’ll treasure it for a long time to come.

​With Remembrance Day fast approaching, I’ve been noticing all of the poppies being worn.  This week while I was in the car driving I was listening to a radio show about WWII and Remembrance Day.  The comment was made that the most dangerous of all enemies in a war is the enemy that manages to get behind enemy lines and who infiltrates a group of soldiers.  This enemy, of course, disguises him/herself as an ally and has access to confidential information and strategies that he/she eventually will use against the very group he or she has pretended to be working with.
The irony of this in our everyday lives was not lost on me.  When I work with clients either individually or as part of a team, or when I ponder my own life, often the biggest ‘enemy’ we have to overcome is the enemy that is residing right within ourselves.  In a team environment, it is bad enough when the team feels attacked from outside.  It is a far bigger problem when the team is being attacked from within.  The same thing holds true for a family.  The same thing holds true for each of us individually.
 
How often does it happen that we have a thought of something we might like to try, or a desire to change, and then before we can even take the first step, we have talked ourselves out of it?  All by ourselves!   We  are quick to think up all of the ways that we might fail or why it’s a bad idea, and then we abandon the idea as if it had never appeared at all.  I am a master at this!  I not only think of reasons I should not try something but worse than that, I listen to myself.  I believe this inner critic.  And I give power to it.  Meet my saboteur!  My enemy within myself.
 
My saboteur is so clever, and has so cleverly disguised herself as my ally, that she can easily convince me that the safest thing to do is to ‘not rock the boat’.  Her reasons are amazing and she knows me so well that she always proves to me that I will be going against my own values by trying this new thing.  Last fall when I was newly ‘retired’ from teaching, I thought that I would love to join a line dancing group.  That really awakened my saboteur.  She reminded me that I was awaiting knee surgery so the timing might not be right.  She reminded me that it would take me away from home (and I had retired to have more time at home).  She reminded me that I didn’t know anyone in the group and so I would be the outsider.  And guess what?  No line dancing for me. 
 
I now know how to recognize my saboteur.  When I hear the words ‘should’ or ‘can’t’ inside my head, or when I get judgemental, I know that my saboteur is steering my ship.  When I recognize her, I thank her for her concern and then send her away.  Sometimes I even talk out loud to her, telling her that I’ve already thought up the negatives and that if she can help with the positives, she is welcome to stay – otherwise OUT!
 
This fall I started line dancing.  I LOVE it.  It is one of my favourite hours of the week.  My saboteur never accompanies me.
 
I try not to imagine what would have happened to Canada, if many years ago, the young men and women who had the thought to serve our country in wartime, had listened to all of the saboteur voices that must have popped up in their heads.  They must have been terrified to go and yet they pushed those voices aside and instead followed the strong value that they had to serve this great country of ours.
 
On November 11th, I’ll be giving thanks for all of the men and women who sacrificed so that we could live in freedom.  I’ll think of how they may have had to recognize, and not be tricked by the enemy.  And I’ll renew my promise to myself to make the most of this wonderful life I have.  And I’ll polish my dancing shoes.
 
To find out how to deal with the saboteurs in your life feel free to call me for some coaching.  You don’t even have to register your saboteur – I guarantee that they will show up!