​It’s been another busy week.  Each week I think that this will be the week when some time just opens up for me.  I’ll get everything crossed off my ‘to do’ list and then I’ll have time to do some different things.  Then that week finishes, I have a new long list and I pretend that the next week will be different!   It isn’t uncommon to feel as though we are hustled along by the busyness of life and that ‘stuff just happens to us’.  This week I’d like to introduce a new perspective on this:
 
We each do some very careful negotiating for what we get.
 
I have heard it said that in life, we do not always get what we deserve; we do get what we have negotiated.  When I first heard this I decided that I didn’t agree with it. I couldn’t reckon that I have carefully negotiated for some of the things in my life.  I certainly didn’t carefully negotiate my over-booked schedule in the fall.  Did I?  My satisfaction with my fitness level?  I surely did not negotiate this.  What about my long list of things I ‘have’ to do?  Did I negotiate these too?
 
Sure enough, I have to admit that I, like everyone else, have negotiated the terms for my life.  I have negotiated how I am treated by others, what jobs I do around home, my financial situation, my education, how I spend my time and on and on.  In most things, I have made some really good deals.   I like my life and I am grateful for it.  But for some other things, I know that I am simply pretending that a different solution is not possible because it is hard to make a change.   It’s even harder to take responsibility for change. 
 
A couple of weeks ago after my blog on grief, my brother-in-law, Greg commented:
 
“As I get older and allow myself to get closer to people, I am very aware of how much it's gonna hurt someday. It's still a deal I'll gladly accept.”
 
And there it is.  A deal.  A negotiation.  Even with our emotions we negotiate deals.  Greg recognizes that when he chooses to open himself up, he is making the deal that there could be some hurt.  The important part is that he has come to a place where he understands that it is a negotiation and he consciously chooses this deal for himself.
 
I am wondering what deals you have been making in life.  This week as you go about your routine, take notice of what things you are enjoying and what things you are not enjoying so much.  Try to notice how you have negotiated the outcome you have.  And recognize that a different negotiation is always possible.  It is not always easy.  But it is always possible.   We are always in choice.


An inquiry for this week could be:  What deal am I making right now?

What do you want to do when you grow up?

When this question was posed when I was younger common answers were teacher, doctor, lawyer, nurse, secretary and veterinarian.  These days, answers would likely include web designer, graphic artist, computer programmer, analyst and personal trainer.

A much more valuable question might be, ‘Who do you want to BE when you grow up?’  Now that’s a question worth thinking about!

We so often get so busy with the doing that we forget about the being in our lives.  I’ve noticed that many people have trouble adjusting to new chapters in their lives.  It’s hard to leave behind careers that defined them for so long; it’s hard to talk about ourselves without talking about what we are doing.   It seems so easy to define our lives according to what we do.
At the end of our lives though, it’s interesting that most people are far more interested in who we were being, than what we were doing.  Our work-life ends up reduced to one or two sentences.  But who we were being?  This is what leaves the biggest footprint on the places that we walked in our lives.  We’ve all met people in the same profession who have very different ways of being.  Interestingly, what we remember about these people is not what they were doing, but who they were being.

When I started my teaching career, I was lucky to work with another new teacher, Herb Froese.  The thing that stood out to me the most and that I appreciated most about Herb was the way that he approached every single thing he did with the same enthusiasm, effort, excellence and pride.  It did not matter if he was conducting a band or mopping a floor.  He was always being Herb.  My daughter, Kaitlyn, is now in her first year of teaching, and guess who she gets to work with?  Herb!  And guess what else?  He has changed schools, changed towns, changed some hobbies, changed his age, and he is still being all of the wonderful things he was being when I first met him!  He is one of those wonderful people who will forever change the way you see the world, simply by his being.

As 2016 gets going, I’m taking some time to think about who I am being and who I want to be.  I’m trying to worry less about what I am doing and take more time to consider who I am being while I am busy doing.  I can change jobs, change houses, change my look and change my car.  I think though, that my satisfaction will not be found in any of those things unless the person that I choose to be in the midst of all that change is someone I am proud of.  On my list of who I want to be I would include someone who is compassionate, kind, open-minded, brave, honest, forgiving, hopeful, inspiring, inclusive and loving.

I recognize that who I am being is the thread of my life that follows me through all of my doing.  I would love to make sure that thread is made of a sturdy, beautiful material that will stand the test of time.

A wonderful question for each of us this week is “Who am I choosing to be?”

This week I am posting this in the days just after my husband’s oldest step brother, Ron, was buried.  There have been a lot of tough emotions this week, just as there have been in the last couple of years as Ron has and our family have been on a roller coaster that no one would pay money to get on.  Not quite knowing what to blog about, I came across this and thought that I would share it.  It is not mine. I do not know who wrote it.  It is the answer that an Old Guy gave to the following plea on line:
“My friend just died.  I don’t know what to do.”
Here is Old Guy’s response.  I think he says it pretty well.
I’m old.  What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not.  
I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbours, and a host of other folks.  I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child.  But here’s my two cents....
I wish I could say you get used to people dying.  But I never did.  I don’t want to.  It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter what the circumstances.   But I don’t want it to “not matter”.  I don’t want it to be something that just passes.  My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person.  And if the scar is deep, so was the love.  So be it.
Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.  And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was.  Scars are a testament to life.  Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves.  When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you.  Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more.  And all you can do is float.  You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while.  Maybe it’s some physical thing.  Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph.  Maybe it’s a person who is also floating.  For a while, all you can do is float.  Stay alive. 


In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy.  They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath.  All you can do is hang on and float.  After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart.  When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.  But in between, you can breathe, you can function.  You never know what’s going to trigger the grief.  It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee.  It can be just about anything... and the wave comes crashing.   But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall.  Or 50 feet tall.  And while they still come, they come further apart.  You can see them coming.  An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare.  You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself.  And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side.  Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy.  The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to.  But you learn that you’ll survive them.  And other waves will come.  And you’ll survive them too.  
If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves.  And lots of shipwrecks.


I think that says it better than I could have.  It’s been that kind of a week.  In the midst of it all, we have had a very, very special time with our family.  We have laughed and cried and laughed again.  And I am very grateful to be a part of this family. 
In memory of Dr. Ron Kimberley.

Note:  This blog post was written in the summer of 2013 before I even had a blog!  I came across it today, and thought it would be a good time to share.  Enjoy!

A Kathleen Day

Kathleen is our friend and neighbour.  She has just turned 18 and has finished High School.  Kathleen has Down’s Syndrome.  Her absolute most favourite thing IN THE WORLD is Cinderella.  In particular, she loves being Cinderella.  Last October, an event happened in her life that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.  Halloween was coming up and Kathleen wanted to be Cinderella.  Not particularly surprising or noteworthy.  What is noteworthy however is that the Educational Assistants and Support Staff at her high school decided to get in on her idea.  So, instead of Kathleen just dressing as Cinderella for Halloween, each of those staff members got in on the fun.  They chose roles and each dressed up as a character from the story.  There were mice, step sisters, prince charming, a step mother and a fairy god mother!  The entire day was devoted to giving her the most incredibly special day!

Flash forward to spring time.  Graduation time for Kathleen was approaching.  While the other girls were thinking about their prom dresses and the wonderful evening they would have, Kathleen was dreaming about being Cinderella.   Her mom set to work trying to find a place that might have a dress that would be perfect.  Her mom knew that while this was a special night for all of the students, for Kathleen, this might truly be the most special night of her life.  The other students may have other huge celebrations to look forward to – college or university convocations, weddings, babies, - this graduation from High School might just be the biggest public celebration for Kathleen. 

And so the dress hunting began and ended not far away in the small town of High River!  Not only was there a dress, but the day that her mom took her in for her fitting, Kathleen was treated like a royal princess.  She tried on the dress and was able to step up onto the platform and view it from every angle.  All of the staff in the shop made it an amazing time for her!  Measurements were taken and the path looked paved for the perfect graduation evening.   Kathleen was counting the weeks!  She even had a date!  The teenage son of one of her Educational Assistants had invited her to be his date.  They would travel by limo with her parents to the venue, sharing the meal with both families and other family friends.

On June 20th, without any real warning, the town of High River had the worst flood in its history.  Torrents of water flooded through the streets in mere hours.  As the river rose, water entered homes and businesses and went from inches on the floor and in the streets to over 4 feet of water in less than two hours.  Residents and business owners tried to secure what they could, but most of them were eventually just grateful to be rescued before the chance of rescue became impossible.  As we watched the events of the flood unfold on the television, Kathleen’s mom commented to me that although she knew that there were so many more things to be concerned with, she just kept hoping and praying that somehow, Kathleen’s dress would be ok.  Grad was 10 days away and there would be no way to get another perfect Cinderella dress in that time.
The shop keeper in High River had plenty on her mind too.  Her shop was filling with water.  Amid all of the chaos of the flood, she suddenly remembered about the special dress for Kathleen.  She managed to get to the shop, find the dress, put it on a truck and have it sent to her home,a location away from the flood waters.  As fate would have it, there was no location that was safe from the flood.  When she realized this, again she got to the dress, rescued it and made sure that it was safe.  Kathleen’s mom, of course knew none of this until a few days later when she called to tell her that the dress was safe!  It was such an act of consideration – a small act in so many ways.  But it was such a deliberate act of kindness; an act of selflessness in the truest sense of the word. 

When graduation day arrived, the limo had been ordered, Grandma and Grandpa had arrived and everything was set to go.  Cinderella had her hair done, her nails polished and her picture had been taken at home.   My husband had volunteered to be the paparazzi; to wait at the end of our lane and to take pictures as the limo passed by.  We had painters on ladders working on our house and we had given them firm orders to give us the signal when the limo started leaving Kathleen’s driveway so that the paparazzi could take his place at the top of the driveway!  The limo was filled with Cinderella and all of her dreams.  Her date had arrived with his family.  Kathleen’s brother had created a special playlist of her favourite music to be enjoyed en route.

When I was driving home after the graduation, I couldn’t help but think of all of the planning and thought that went into making that day such a perfect one for Kathleen.  This was a special evening that had been made so by many people.  I got to thinking that our world would be a more wonderful place if everyone got to experience “A Kathleen Day”; a day where each person felt truly known.  Known enough that someone would go out of their way to make one of their dreams come true or to simply create a day, or part of a day, that the recipient simply loved.

And so I am sending out the challenge to watch for opportunities to create “A Kathleen Day”.  Perhaps it will be “A Kathleen Moment” instead.  But either way, someone will know that they are cared for deeply and that someone knows them well enough to know what special means to them.
​
Please watch for and create ‘Kathleen Days’.  Write about them and send them to me.  I will post them here.

Jim and I spent our holiday this year in Ontario with our son Greg and his girlfriend, Cara.  Since most of our siblings and extended family live within a 2 ½ hour drive of Greg and Cara’s house, we also did lots of visiting with our families.  Jim especially enjoyed catching up with his cousin Laurie, with whom he has not really had a good ‘catch-up’ with in years.  Laurie was telling Jim that she was 2 ½ days away from retirement.  Laurie is one of the founders of Hospice Niagara; she is highly respected among her colleagues and for good reason. 

After their visit, Jim was telling me that Laurie had explained to him that the average stay of a person in Hospice is about 10-15 days.  She said that one of the things she is most proud of in her career is the environment that the staff had created.  Their goal was to ensure that they gave each patient in their care the best 10-15 days possible.  That is not to say that they could possibly give these patients the best 10-15 days of their lives; they simply committed to making these final 10-15 days the absolute best they could be.  This really struck Jim, and when he shared it with me, I too was moved by the compassion and integrity of this team that Laurie had helped create.  This team recognizes that life is a gift and they aim to make sure that every moment of that gift is used well.

I began to think about the possibility of this idea for each of us in our daily lives.   At this time of year, we so often try to commit to resolutions that we hope to continue for the full year.  Research shows us that by the end of the third week of January, the vast majority of the resolutions can be found tucked away in a gym bag in the back of the closet – just waiting for next year.

But what if, instead of committing to things for a whole year, we simply chose something we would like to work on for the next week, or day, or interaction.

Bob Hartley, coach of the Calgary Flames, used this philosophy in the 2014-2015 season, when he took a group of players, who were not ever expected to make it to the playoffs, and explained to them early in the season, that they did not have to concentrate on making playoffs; they simply had to win at least 4 out of every 7 games they played.  He broke the season up into manageable, measureable pieces that had a length of seven games each.  To everyone’s surprise, and to the delight of Calgarians, this team made the playoffs and were already accustomed to 7 game series when the playoffs arrived.  What an incredible strategy.

As 2016 begins, instead of making huge resolutions, what if we each choose something meaningful that we can focus on for a short time.  Say for oh... 10 -15 days.  What if we choose to work out consistently.   Or if we choose to make these days the best possible, within the circumstances of our lives, for someone in our family.  Or if we choose to treat everyone we meet with respect, while we are out and about.  Or if we choose to give a client the best service possible during our next interaction.  Or if we choose to give someone a genuine compliment each day for this time period.  Or if we choose to put down our phone for 30 minutes in order to focus on someone who was in the same room as us.  Or if we choose, while at work, to look for and to find only the best in others.

I imagine that if hospice workers are able to commit to making the final 10-15 days of people’s lives (perfect strangers’ lives) the best gift possible, then surely we can find some small resolution that we can commit to in our own lives for this same period of time.  What a world we would have if we each lived with the kind of genuine compassion and integrity that each of these hospice workers offered in their daily practice.  And what a relief it would be to know that we do not have to make a resolution for the entire year.  Just for a few days.  And then a few more.  And then....
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What gift are you willing to commit to giving or receiving for the next 10-15 days?


Feel free to contact Elizabeth about personal or business coaching in 2016.