Happy summer!  This past week, we marked the end of spring and the beginning of summertime.  It got me thinking about the way that sometimes people talk about parts of their life in terms of seasons or phases.  They might say, that was in my ‘needing to fit in season’ or that was my ‘raising small kids season’ or my ‘run every day’ season.

I have a client who gives not only her seasons, but her years, a theme.  For example, 2016 is her year of ‘Yes’.  She decided to make this a year in which she would say ‘Yes’ to things that she would normally shy away from.  Her accomplishments and adventures have already been incredible.  She has been very deliberate about this and it has caused me to look at times in my life when I have dared to name a season.

When we were raising our children, in my mind it was clearly the season of ‘putting family first’.  I loved this.  When I think about it, I’m pretty sure that what I loved the most was the certainty of this time.  What felt certain, or rock solid, was that I had made the conscious choice that I would base my decisions on how they would affect my family.  If I perceived that the effect would be positive, I would choose in favour. If my perception was that there would be a negative impact, my decision would be ‘against’. 

When we label any season, we focus our attention on what we hope to achieve during that season.  In this way, we define success.  If we choose well, we can look back and often be pleased with our results.  Sometimes when we do not name the season, life names it for us.  Often the result is not what we would have chosen....if only we had known enough to choose for our self.

In our home we have a season approaching us that is filled with wedding preparations and weddings.  I do not want to arrive at the end of this season in a heap of exhaustion, realizing that the season named itself (likely called ‘survival’).  I have decided to name the summer of 2016, “The Summer of Welcome”.

Jim and I will welcome Matt, a new son, into our family in July.  In August, we will welcome our new daughter, Cara, as she joins us.  I will welcome Cara and Matt's wonderful families.   I will welcome watching our daughter and son, each in their own turn, prepare for their big day.  I will welcome noticing how they each choose the details that will make their wedding day into the day they want.  I will welcome many guests from out of town.  I also plan to use my ‘Summer of Welcome’ to remind me to welcome some other things too.

I will welcome days filled to the brim with people who are joining us to celebrate.  I will welcome the unexpected.  I will welcome help.  I will welcome the chance to re-connect with old friends, the chance to haul out some wonderful memories and the chance to create brand new memories.  I will welcome the time I will be able to spend with our extended families.  I will welcome the support of our Alberta friends. I will welcome meeting and getting to know the friends of our children who have walked with them as they have grown into the people they have become.   I will welcome the busyness of the preparations and the quiet of the reflection afterward.  I will welcome my feelings of joy and of some loss as I mark this turning point, remembering that loss serves to remind me that I have been very lucky in life.  I will welcome sunny days and the rainbows that follow the inevitable thunderstorms.

I challenge you at the start of this summer season to name the theme of your summer.  Then watch as you create it!
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You’re welcome!

I have been thoroughly enjoying watching some of the European Soccer Tournament this week.  I did not play soccer when I was growing up but I did coach it for many years when our son was playing and I grew to love and appreciate the skill and the strategy of the game.

In soccer, the referee carries with him or her, a set of cards.  These cards are yellow and red.  If you watch soccer, on occasion you will see a referee hold up a yellow card to a player, and on more rare occasions, he or she will hold up a red card.  A yellow card, when given, signifies a warning, a penalty or a reprimand.  The official holds the card above their head while looking at or pointing to the player who has committed the offense.    It tells the player in no uncertain terms that they have crossed some line and that they now have been fairly warned.  If they choose to adapt their behavior and follow the rules there is no follow up action from the official.  However, if they commit another offence they receive a second yellow card, followed by a red card, which then forces their removal from the game.  It is possible to accumulate yellow cards from game to game in a tournament as well, also resulting in removal from the match.

Each of us is give warnings from time to time in our daily lives.  It is very, very easy to miss these warnings or to simply ignore them.  I have been laughing to myself thinking about how helpful these physical yellow cards could be in our lives.  The soccer players who receive yellow cards are often simply overdoing what they have trained to do.  They have been trained to challenge an opposing player to steal the ball; but when they do this too vigorously, the yellow card is shown.  They have been trained to go for a loose ball; but when they injure another player in the process they have crossed the line.  If the yellow card were not shown, they would simply assume that this behaviour was acceptable.

In our daily lives, we often find ourselves in trouble when we too overdo some personal trait that usually serves us well.   I for instance, love to be organized and I love nothing better than a list of jobs that I have written and that I can accomplish.   This, when kept in the realm of healthy does not get me in trouble.  But when I forge ahead with my list, ignoring the impact I may be having on others, I might benefit greatly from a yellow card popping up to warn me that I have taken my good skill to excess. 

People who love to help others also have great skills and great intentions.  They too can run into trouble when their love of helping others distracts them from some of the more mundane tasks they are also responsible for.  In this case, imagine the value of a yellow card popping up just before they said ‘yes’ yet again!

In even more simple instances, think of the value of a yellow card showing up when we see signs that we are overtired.  So often we simply ignore this, even when we put our health in jeopardy. Perhaps a yellow card would serve to remind us when we haven’t given due attention to our coworkers or family.  I know that I could have used one on occasions when I was training hard, heard gentle whispers from my body that I was overdoing it, and yet forging ahead.

There are many, many personal traits that serve us well when we use them within the ‘rules of the game’.  Consideration, openness, confidence, boldness, focus, consideration, diligence and likeability are just a few.  When we overdo any of these, we end up with a result that we had not foreseen and often don’t want.
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My challenge for you this week is to notice an area in your life where you are overdoing some trait.  Picture a yellow card of warning popping up to help you reset, and get back in your game.  Sometimes backing off even 5% can make all of the difference.  Play on!

This past week we were invited to go to a birthday party for our good friend, Jan.  Jan had organized a ‘painting party’.  She hired an artist who brought an original painting to the event, and then guided the 30 or so guests to follow her steps to replicate the painting.

I am not an artist.  Although I was looking forward to the get together, I was a bit intimidated by the painting part.  Once I quieted the saboteur voice in my head that was reminding me of this, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. 

As we were painting, the artist described how we could paint the edges of the canvas if we wanted to leave our piece unframed.  If we were going to frame it, then the edges would be covered and therefore did not need painting.  In my head I was laughing thinking that there was a very low probability that my painting would be hung anywhere!  However, the comments about framing caused me to think about how we use framing in our daily lives. 

In the art world a frame can completely alter which parts of a picture will become most highlighted or noticed.  For instance in the picture we painted, there were several different colours of leaves.  If I had chosen to frame my picture with a yellow matte for instance, then the very few yellow leaves in the picture would have really stood out.  If I had chosen an orange matte the orange leaves would have been most obvious.

In our lives we often ‘frame’ situations.  I used to hear people talking about things like ‘re-frame the situation’ and I could never quite get an image of what they meant.  It is very clear to me now.

Imagine a situation where a team leader says to her team of five people, “Our profit is down.  We need to think of some ways to streamline our expenses and increase profit.  Nothing is off the table.”

Each of the five team members would ‘frame’ the meeting that followed in very different ways.  Usually when we frame something, we rely on our past experiences to help us choose our frame.  For instance if Team Member A had been released from a team previously, she might immediately frame the upcoming conversation with the idea that someone was going to be released from the team and it would likely be her.  Once this frame was secured around her picture of the situation, the parts of the picture that would be highlighted for Member A would be any words, or hints, that spoke about reducing the size of the team.  She would likely not even hear many of the other suggestions.  Imagine the effect this would have on her energy during the meeting.

Compare this to the frame that Team Member B might use.  He has worked for a variety of different companies and understands that there are many other providers that this team could use to reduce costs.  This is the frame that he places around the meeting.  He does not really notice suggestions about cutting a position, but any comment about researching possible new providers stand out in bold colours for him.  He loves that he will have a chance to show that he has many connections.   He leaves the meeting feeling excited and invigorated.

Each of the other team members would have their own unique frame too.  After the meeting if each was asked how it went, each would have a different response even though they had each taken part in the exact same experience.  It is the frame that they chose to use that would make the difference.

In our lives, each of us chooses frames in order to help us ‘see’ situations.  Some of the frames we use keep us stuck in ruts and keep us from not noticing all of the other great possibilities that await us if we could only see them.  Some of the more popular frames are victim frames, poor me frames, not me frames, you always frames, no one listens frames, I can’t frames, I can frames, I don’t have time frame and the that sounds hard frame. 

This week your challenge is to find a situation in which you recognize that you are having a familiar reaction.  Stop yourself and choose to reframe.  Keep in mind that the frame you choose will highlight the parts of the situation that will stand out most vividly to you.  You will be astonished at the change the new frame makes in not only your perspective but in how you feel about that part of your life.

In the past couple of weeks I have been to a number of very different events where I was witness to examples of role models.  I attended a funeral, a graduation, a 60th birthday party, a dance class and a meeting.  None of these events was set up to showcase role models and yet there they were just the same.  This got me to thinking about the idea that we are all, each one of us, role models to others, often in ways we are not expecting.   Sometimes we recognize when we have been singled out to be a role model.  Most of the time the simple actions of our daily living provide the backdrop for the opportunity we each have to choose the kind of role model we wish to be.

Of all the events that I was not expecting to see role modeling in action, it was at the funeral that we attended.  Jim and I attended the funeral of the father of my very good friend, Coralie.  Here is a brief background on Bob, Coralie’s dad.  Bob was an alcoholic.  He had a very difficult childhood and alcohol became his coping strategy to deal with that pain.  Over time he abandoned his role as father as he struggled with his addiction.  He eventually all but lost his family, his wife and daughters, and he became homeless.  Occasionally he made contact with the girls, but they would only agree to see him if he was sober.  This made the visits few and far between.  Because Bob had exceptional skills as a carpenter, even though he was homeless, he was able to secure day work with several large construction companies who picked up workers from a downtown corner to work on jobs.  On one such job, Bob fell and was paralyzed.  This led to an eleven month hospitalization and then a transfer to an assisted living facility where he lived for the final 7 years of his life, sober.
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Bob, or Robert, as he preferred to be called after his accident, had not made many friends along the way.  His daughters rekindled a relationship with him, visiting him weekly and caring for his needs.  He was not always the easiest of patients.
As we drove to the memorial service for Robert, we wondered what in the world we were expecting to hear about his life.  We had known him for 35 years and we did not have the usual collection of fond memories and funny stories that we have for other people in our lives.  Robert had dealt and been dealt so much pain, it was hard to imagine that this would be a typical memorial service.  And sure enough, it was not.

Robert’s two daughters, Coralie and Deista, planned the service and it was the two of them who delivered the eulogies.  Deista’s husband performed the service and Coralie’s husband, who is reluctant to speak in public told us that he was ‘security’:) 

I have been to many, many funerals and memorial services.  Without doubt, it was this simple, beautiful service for Robert that ranks as perhaps the most healing service I have ever attended.  When each of the girls spoke they simply told the truth.  They told us what it was like to have Robert as a father; during their growing up years, during his homeless years, and during his sober years.  They talked about his struggles and how those struggles affected them.  They told what it was like to live with him.  They told what it had been like to live without him.  They told about the demons that he chased.  They told about the lessons he taught.  Never did they glamorize him.  Never did they demonize him.  Never did they justify his actions.  Never did they show resentment toward him.  Never did they blame him, nor did they blame the people who had caused the hardships in his early life.    Always they simply stood in front of us and told the truth.

These daughters of Robert, Coralie and Deista were incredible role models to each of us in attendance that day.  They modeled for us the power of speaking the truth.  They taught us that Robert’s life did not need to be either embellished or diminished.   His life was simply that; his life.  By sharing it with us they gave us each the gift of somehow being able to accept our own lives with more grace.  By listening to them we understood that we each have the choice of how we show up in this world.  That day, these two sisters showed up as incredible human beings, modelling grace, hurt, love, healing, humour, honesty and forgiveness.  Deista’s husband eloquently said in his sermon that ‘When we refuse to speak of our brokenness, our brokenness will speak for us’.  By sharing the brokenness in this story with such graceful honesty, Robert’s daughters gave permission to each of us to own our own story.  What perfect role models.

Today I have many mundane little jobs to take care of.  I need to return a dress, attend a meeting, pick up a gift and buy some groceries.  I’m not planning to be a role model in any of these situations.  However, I don’t think that Deista and Coralie were planning on being role models when they spoke either.  The truth is there is always someone who notices our actions.  I am choosing, as I go about my little tasks to recognize that I am a role model.  I have no idea how the smallest of my actions may have the largest impact on someone else. 

This week I challenge you to choose your actions well, knowing that you are serving as role model to someone else.