Last Friday I spent the day with other coaches from the Calgary area at an event we call, “Day With The Masters”.  It’s an annual professional development day that often gives me a couple of new tools that I can use in my practice.  This year did not disappoint.  The speaker, Alan Seale, was excellent and I could easily have spent several days learning from him.  It turns out that I really needed this day to replenish myself.

One of my most profound takeaways from the day came to me not during the main presentation, but during a very brief conversation I had as I was just arriving and entering the room we used for the day.  I was welcomed by Trace, one of Alan’s associates and we participated in the usual chitchat that one partakes in at such events.  I mentioned that I had been feeling very busy lately and that I was looking forward to this day where I could simply learn some new things.

Trace (who I never spoke to again during the day) made a comment to me about thinking about my business in a different way.  His way of describing it was succinct and elegant and I wish I could remember it exactly but I certainly came away with the meaning of it.  Here is the gist of it. 

Trace asked me to consider whether I had a business or a company.  I have always thought of what I do as a business.  He explained that the word that I use to describe it – in my head- can make a big difference.  Business is derived from the word ‘busy’.  I had been mentioning how ‘busy’ I had been.  I also knew that my busyness was not all work that I wanted to be doing.  Sometimes I have been busy following up on commitments and emails that I really am not passionate about.  However, sometimes when something crosses over my desk and I see that I CAN fit it into my calendar, I do.  Even when I might not have sought out that particular connection or opportunity, I add it to my plate of busyness. 

Contrast that with the idea of company.  A company can be a large organization, like the Hudson’s Bay Company.  Or, it can simply be thought of as the word that it is, meaning, the people that we surround ourselves with.  In other words: the company that we keep.  During my short conversation with Trace, he asked me to consider whether I had a business or a company.  I had to admit to myself that I have concentrated much more on my business than my company.

This very slight distinction was illuminating for me.  I have rolled it around and around in my head many times since then.  I realize that when I think of my work as a business, it causes me to operate under the belief that in order to achieve success, I need to have transactions and to be busy.  I am good at busy.  But I don’t necessarily think that busy is good for me or for my business.   I also realize that coaching is all about people, and being in company with people.  This somehow feels like a softer definition to me, and one that defines my work.  I know that my very best coaching moments have come to me when I have been in complete company with my clients.   This happens during individual coaching, during the  workshops I create and facilitate, and during work with large organizations.  I have experienced incredible company working with everyone from accountants to teenagers. 

I now know that I have always had a company, but have called it a business.  This disconnect has prevented me from moving my work to the level that I want.  When I think of working in company with others, I find that it is easier for me to explain what I do and to feel good about marketing myself.  This word is congruent with my value around what coaching does for people.  In some ways it goes back to the idea of being vs doing.  I have been ‘doing’ my business.  I want to be ‘being’ my company.  This idea of company resonates with me.

This new idea has changed how I have chosen to operate both in my personal and work life.   This week when I thought about what I would fill my time with, I used the distinction of business and company to help me make my decisions.  When I noticed that I was choosing something that would make me busy, but not fulfilled, I recognized that I had a choice to make.  I could continue being ‘busy’.  Or, I could make choices that would put me in the company of people I want to be with and even do business with.  On Wednesday evening, Jim had a client appointment and I had planned on catching up with some paperwork and emails; my business.  However, I also knew that every Wednesday evening there is an extra dance practice offered for my dance group.  I have never attended this before.  This past week, I knew who I wanted to keep company with on Wednesday night.  Busy would wait for morning – and it did. I love being in company with the Chinook Country Dancers.  Our instructor, Reba J is all about company.  Her focus is never about bottom line, never about perfection, never about judgement, never about comparison. It is always about company.  No wonder she is so successful.  No wonder I feel so at home with this group.
 
Late last October I decided to try writing a blog.  This entry marks my one year anniversary.  I hope you have enjoyed my company.  I certainly enjoy yours.  This week’s blog highlights how the right question, posed at the right time, can change a life.  This is what coaching is all about.

Please contact me to find out how coaching can help you,  your family, your group or your company think in new ways, and grow to become what you dream you can be.

Last month when we were in Ontario, we had the chance to spend three days in Parry Sound.  Greg was competing in a 24 hour Adventure Race called Wilderness Traverse and our Ontario visit happened to coincide with the race so we were lucky to be included as enthusiastic supporters.

Greg’s team finished up at about 5:30am (1st place) on Sunday morning. Once we transported bikes and teammates and once they had a chance to sit down and think about their race, we headed back to our rented cabin to get some sleep before Cara and Greg had to head for home.  I had managed to get a few hours sleep the night before, while the race was still on, so although I did go back to bed, I woke before 10:00.  I decided that the best thing I could do was to get out of the cabin so that the others could get a few more hours of sleep.  I put the leash on Jasper and we headed out for a good long hike along the Park to Park Trail.

It was a perfect morning and this reclaimed rail trail was really showing off its beauty on this spectacular fall morning.  We passed ponds that provided a perfect resting place for blue herons, for families of ducks and even for the rare eagle.  The path entered forests, broke into sunshiny meadows and was sometimes flanked on both sides by the magnificent granite of the Canadian Shield.

Periodically along the path there would be a bench, made of this beautiful granite.  These benches welcomed hikers to stop, rest and take in the beauty.  It appeared that many of these benches had been donated, as they were often engraved.
The one that remains etched in my mind had the name of a woman on it.  Underneath her name were inscribed a couple of musical notes and the words, “Tempo Rubato”.   I am a music lover but I am not a music expert and I did not know this term.  However, I had the strong feeling that if I could find out the meaning of “Tempo Rubato”, then I would surely understand the essence of this woman.  I could just feel that this musical term must have been a perfect metaphor for her life.

Sure enough this week I finally remembered to look up Tempo Rubato.  Wikipedia defines it this way:
Tempo Rubato:  (free in the presentation, Italian for: stolen time) is a musical term referring to expressive and rhythmic freedom by a slight speeding up and then slowing down of the tempo of a piece at the discretion of the soloist or the conductor.

Just as I had suspected, the little nuances associated with his musical term could certainly capture the essence of the life o f this person.  What a lovely tribute to her.  I now felt that I could imagine the energy and spirit that she brought to her life. 
And of course it got me thinking.  If my life were to be summed up by a musical term, what would it be.  Would I be Allegro:  a direction to play lively and fast?  Or Grazioso:  to be played gracefully? Or Legato, indicating that the movement should be played smoothly?  Hopefully not Rococo which is a musical style characterized as excessive, ornamental and trivial!

Music touches people in many different ways.  Sometimes it even affects the listener in ways that may have been unintended by the artist.  When used to describe a life it speaks much more to who we are being than what we are doing in our life.  I don’t know enough musical terms to know which one would perfectly describe me but I can feel what I want the music of my life to be. 

It is a worthy exercise to take a minute to think about what melody you are creating as you go about life.  Make sure it is the one you want to be remembered by and that others will want to hear over and over again.
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Trying to write the song of your life?  Contact me today to learn more about how we can work together to facilitate the change you want.
 

This past weekend we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving.  At our house, we served a turkey, complete with all the trimmings, followed by a dessert of homemade pies.  We shared the meal with family and friends and had a wonderful day.  It was a great time to be thankful.  During the days leading up to the meal, some of our guests offered to bring something.  This year I declined their help, being happy to do the preparation myself.  I asked, ‘Please, just bring yourself’.  I knew that the others were busy with their jobs and lives and thought that it might be nice if they could just arrive without having to worry about what to bring to the table.

Since then I’ve been thinking about whether my response was the best one.  Contrast this to a meal we had a couple of years ago.  It was the evening that we met The Campbell Family, our daughter-in-law’s family, for the first time.  We had gone to a hockey game with them and we were having dinner at Greg and Cara’s afterward.  Cara’s sister Karly asked what she could bring and Cara asked her to bring some cheeses for an appetizer.  When Karly arrived, she did have some cheeses.  She told us that she had gone online to find out what made up a good cheese tray.  One tidbit of advice she found was that she should include a ‘conversation cheese’.  And so she did.  And we made sure that once we all had a good laugh about this, that we had a conversation about the cheese.  If there had been any awkwardness involved in this initial meeting, it certainly was eradicated by the time we had all sampled and earnestly conversed about the cheese!  To this day, we all look forward to what ‘conversation cheese’ will show up at the next family gathering.

So I have been thinking about this idea; this idea of what we bring to the table.  Sometimes when a company is hiring a new employee the question of “What do you bring to the table”, is posed.  In this case the company is anxious to find out what skills and strengths a prospective employee might have that would fit well with the company.  This idea of bringing something to the table might also be used when we join a group or a committee.  We each like to think that we have some special skills that others may find valuable.

What we bring to the table is an important consideration in many parts of our lives. We often give it due consideration when we are working with colleagues or with committee members; however, we often overlook its importance in our own personal lives. 

In my work, I am privileged to witness people in all stages of their lives.  In my personal life, away from work, I also tend to be an observer of people and of relationships.  I love to observe the qualities that different people ‘bring to the table’.  Quite a few years ago when Jim and I ‘realized’ that our children would soon be heading away from home to University and beyond, we talked about the importance of us putting some conscious thought into what was next for us.  We knew that we had happily spent decades planning a life around our kids.  Many of our conversations had been centered on scheduling our kids’ activities and family holidays.  It became obvious to us that if we did not do some proactive planning, then we would get to the day when we sat across from each other and had very little to say.  In the truest sense of the word, we would sit at a very empty table.  It was at this time that I began to wonder, “What do I bring to the table?” 

When Kaitlyn and Greg had both headed off to University and our house was kid-free, Greg called one evening to chat.  After he told me all about his exciting news from university; about the teams he was joining and the information he was learning and the friends he was making, and the activities he was a part of, he asked, “What about you, Mom?  What’s new with you this week?”  (Yikes!  How did my kids learn to ask such good questions?)  Again, I was forced to ponder the question, “What do I bring to the table?”

 At that time, I made the decision to make sure that I was filling my life with things that I would be proud to bring to any table.  I wanted to be able to answer this question honestly and with pride when I talked to my kids.  I wanted to have a life that had enough interesting things in it, that I that I would feel I had something to share.  I love going to a meeting, or party or get-together and talking with interesting people.  The people who naturally gather people to themselves do so because they have interesting lives that they ‘bring to the table’.

To this day, I cannot recall what kind of cheese Karly brought to Cara and Greg’s house that day.  I can, however, recall clearly the other things she brought to the table.  She brought her welcoming attitude, she brought her confidence, she brought her sense of humour and her ability to laugh at herself, she brought her intelligence and her openness, she brought her curiosity, she brought her love of her family and her genuine acceptance of our son, she brought her good nature and she brought her kindness. 

When I reflect on our Thanksgiving meal from last week I realize that although I did not ask for people to bring something to the table in a literal way, in fact I did ask them to bring the most important thing of all; I asked them to bring their full selves.  This, much more than the food, is what made our Thanksgiving so memorable.  Everyone felt included, everyone brought unique stories and strengths, everyone made everyone else feel welcome and hopefully everyone left feeling like they had brought something of value to the table.  If only we had had a conversation cheese!

My inquiry for you this week is to ask yourself the question, “What do I bring to the table?”
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Perhaps you want to investigate how to consciously bring your best self to the table.  Contact me today to learn more about how we can work together to facilitate the change you want.
 

Over the course of the past 10 months, I have written about a lot of different tools and ideas that I use in my coaching practice.  In the past couple of weeks it has dawned on me that I have not talked about one very important concept that I use with every single client, be they an individual or an organization.  This is the idea of the Saboteur.  I was reminded of the Saboteur when mine showed up unexpectedly when Jim and I were on our driving trip.

One of the big reasons for our trip was to attend an incredible party that Cara’s parents, Sharon and Dan, hosted for the newlyweds.  At the party, we had the chance to meet lots of friends and relatives of Cara’s family.  Several of them, upon meeting me, commented, “Oh, you’re Elizabeth.  I have been following your blog”.  It always surprises me to hear this.  I just write and post my weekly blog, hoping that it will resonate with one or two readers.  I do not really think about how many people might read it, nor do I think about exactly who those people might be.  One of the people who made a similar comment to this was Cara’s boss, Corey.  Cara works at the Rural Women’s Resource Centre.  This is a place that provides education, prevention and support services for women and families impacted by abuse in Middlesex County.  I am incredibly proud of the passion that Cara brings to her work at this facility. 

For some reason, when Corey mentioned that she had read my blog, I almost had a feeling of panic.  (Hello Saboteur!).  A little voice chirped up in my head saying, “I hope you are thinking carefully about what you write.  Who do you think you are doling out advice?  You aren’t perfect.  What gives you the right out to simply hand out pieces of your ‘wisdom’?”
Luckily, it did not take long for me to recognize this inner voice as that of my Saboteur or Inner Critic.  I teach clients about the Saboteur very early in my work with them because each of us has one, sometimes many, and it can have a profound influence on us.

So what is this thing, the Saboteur?  This is a voice we have that loves to prevent us from making change in our life.  The Saboteur tries to protect us by convincing us to not ‘rock the boat’ and to maintain the status quo.  The Saboteur detests change.  He loves for us to keep our lives exactly as they are, even when a change would be for the better.
Everyone’s saboteur sounds slightly different but there are certainly commonalities among them.  Saboteurs often say things like, ‘You’ve never been able to change before, why do you think you can do it now’ or ‘Who do you think you are?’ or ‘You don’t deserve better’ or ‘You deserve what you have’.

My particular Saboteur is very clever.  In fact, it took me quite some time to recognize his voice.  This is because it always talks to me with reason, and most often uses my own values to influence me.  For example, my family is a high priority value for me. When I used to think of things I might do (take a course for example) my saboteur voice would delight in telling me, “That will take you away from your family”. Of course, since I never wanted to have my family be negatively impacted by my actions,  I would easily give up my idea.

This time, in reference to my realizing that some people who I do not even know, who might be in precarious or even dangerous situations in their lives, might be reading my blog, my saboteur was quick to point out that I would never want to hurt these people and so the best course of action for me would be to simply abandon the blog and not believe that I could be of any help.  Luckily, I could recognize this voice for what it was; it was simply the voice of my Inner Critic imploring me to go back to my safe life where I did not make controversial statements, nor did I stir up trouble, nor did I act ‘too big for my britches’.  The saboteur had a point, as he always does.  It would be safer for me to not write a blog.  It would be safer not to say controversial things. It would be safer not to challenge peoples thinking.  It would be safer not to grow my business.  My saboteur’s timing was perfect.  He popped up while I was talking to a woman who worked with other women who are often at very fragile places in their lives.  He knows that I would never want to be responsible for hurting another person, especially one in a fragile position.  And he tried to capitalize on the situation. 

Luckily I know that just because my saboteur is convincing, he is not always truthful.  I have met my saboteur before and I know how to handle him.  One very effective method for handling a saboteur is to simply notice him and what he is trying to do.  Sometimes that is enough.  Other times, he needs to be told to leave.  I often thank him for thinking about me and ask him to only chirp up if he has something positive to contribute!   Then I send him off to find someone else to ‘help’.
I thought about the women and families who are served by the WRRC, where Cara works.  I can imagine the saboteur voices they must have in their heads as they make the brave decisions to change their lives.  I imagine that they might also have some real live saboteurs in their lives – sometimes saboteurs can be flesh and blood people who do not like to see people change because it means that they will be affected too.  Sometimes Saboteur voices are voices from our past, sometimes they are voices from people in our present lives, and sometimes they are home grown voices.  I hope that by introducing the concept of the saboteur that it will give you, the reader, a new way to deal with your fears and that you will understand that by managing your saboteur, you can access your own power as you try to make change.

For my part, my saboteur did not win this one.   I am grateful for his voice, because he reminded me that this is an important issue for me.  Saboteurs often like to show up when we are dealing with something important.  I, of course, feel strongly about the value of coaching and about the positive impact it can have in the lives of people.  If my blog can help one person, who might be able to help another person, then it is a worthwhile venture.

My challenge for you this week is to simply notice your saboteur.

Perhaps you have a saboteur who has too much control in your life.  Contact me today to learn more about how we can work together to facilitate the change you want.
 
 

Jim and I have had a couple of really wonderful weeks driving across Western Canada and the States to take some things to Cara and Greg and to attend a party in their honour at Cara’s family’s farm.  This of course is our first trip since we became in-laws.  That is since both of our children got married:)

One of the goals of the trip was to simply have time to digest our busy summer together.  Another was to see some of the sights that have been on our bucket list.  On the way to Ontario, we stopped to see the campus of Notre Dame.  I am guessing that this particular addition to my bucket list was placed there after I had seen the movie, Rudy.  The campus looked so beautiful and I thought that it would be simply incredible to go for a run on it.  So that went on my bucket list about 15 years ago.  It did not disappoint!  I loved it.

Another bucket list item was crossed off just a couple of days ago when Jim and I spent two nights on Mackinac Island on Lake Michigan.  It is a small island that can be accessed by ferry.  It is a ‘non-motorized vehicle’ island.   Visitors to the island catch a walk-on ferry for the short trip from shore.  Once on the island, walking, cycling and horse and buggy are the common means of transportation.  The pace is slow and relaxing. 

On the ferry trip over, as we sat on the deck, we were able to see the wake behind our boat, the Star Line.   Looking out over the water, there were several other easily visible boats, each of them with its own wake.  Some of the larger boats created big wakes.  The smaller vessels had appropriately smaller wakes.  I’ve been swimming in lakes when a motorboat speeds by and the wake it leaves just about topples everyone over.  There are days when this can be fun; especially if you are a kid and enjoying the rough and tumble effect.  There are other days when this wake can be frightening; especially if you are not expecting it.  I have also sat in a canoe, like the cedar strip one made by my brother that we delivered to Greg and Cara, and have paddled across an early morning still lake, causing hardly a ripple.  To me this is a moment of beauty.  The fact that the wake is small does not in any way diminish its impact.

This got me thinking.  I wonder what wake I leave behind when I leave a place.  Each of us leaves a wake behind us as we travel through life.  The wakes that we leave are not consistent; they change in size and power from day to day, from meeting to meeting and from interaction to interaction.  Some people barge their way through life leaving people unsettled and rattled.  Others arrive and leave full of energy, sharing their energy with those left behind.  Others leave wakes that can be inspiring enough to cause people to create great change.  Others paddle through casting a gentle light on beauty that is not often witnessed.  Others maneuver carefully through life, noticing the effect they are having on others.  And some use their energy to shine a light on other vessels, leaving the operators of those vessels to feel pride and confidence.

We’ve all been in a room, and had someone enter who instantly changes the atmosphere of the room. An angry co-worker, parent or child can have this effect.  And when they leave, we have all been left shaking our heads in wonder at what just happened.  We have also been in rooms where when a person left, we felt that we had somehow been made better by their presence. 

We each get to choose the wake we leave.  We can leave different kinds of wakes at different times.  The trick is to be mindful of the kind of wake we are attempting to create, and then to figure out how to do it.
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My inquiry for you this week is to ask yourself the question, ‘What wake am I leaving?’

Finding the tools you learn in these blogs to be helpful?  Contact me today to learn more about how we can work together to facilitate the change you want.